blog for days gone by

Been a long time I actually wrote something sensible here for you.

My schedule has been very erratic lately

I was in Indore till 28^th Sept completing 14 days there

Then I came back to Indore for the long weekend from 2^nd to 4^th Oct and extended it by one day – all by chance and realizing in that chance – that it was bujju’s birthday on the 5^th.

So left back to Bombay on the 5^th.

It’s the 9^th today

 

There has been a constant struggle to have a decent maid who can do good work for the maalish and to wash your clothes.

The maid who was taken up for your maalish turned out to be an idiot of sorts – as thick skinned as she looks – for she was more interested in sitting on the couch, sitting on the bed and all than actually getting to do the work she is supposed to be responsible for – giving you a good maalish and exercise your growing body

 

Unfortunately, this is the fact and reality that to go find someone like that who is responsible towards the baby and her well being are few and far between and even if one is available, she would not be available within the range of where we live… so this was one constant struggle that we have been having, esp. amma since she has to take up this whole responsibility of handling things with respect to you and your mommy…

 

Unfortunately, there was not much help from anyone else who came to stay with us and so amma and pappa are struggling to make things work. I am sitting here and typing away while they work hard to make things happen.. I just sit here and talk while they do the actual work to make things a success

 

Coming back to what you have been keeping us busy, yesterday your mummy sent me an sms that you were awake till 3:30 in the morning and then slept off till only 5am

Not sure why you were so restless.. we can’t decipher what you think, what you want how much you want, whether you want to say something specific.. but we are only going by intuition.. and if are able to see you wetting your bed we know you cried for indicating that.. if we don’t find you wetting your bed, we know you are hungry… how simple a logic but still we think of all other possibilities and make ourselves feel unable to help you…

 

But you are one heck of a restless girl.. you have some good kicking power and you have used your legs effectively to get yourself moving around in the womb.. though you could not – or the doctor could not get you to come out on your own using your legs.. but lets hope you can be trained to use your legs sufficiently in life to move forward either swimming or cycling or running…

I spent a good deal of time with you in the 14 days trying to know you but here I am very restless and wonder what you might be learning or picking up when you stare around where you lie. I am sure your brain must be picking up lots of signals through all your senses and making up a pattern for you to live through but I feel how important that function of your brain is… that makes you a unique person absorbing all the signals which we adults are so ignorant of, and then help you pick up these as traits to demonstrate later in life…

 

I feel very restless here without you and I want to be with you but you at this age of just 26 days are not capable of understanding my emotions.. let alone your own.

On the 21^st day of your life, that was the 4^th of Oct 09, you were taken to the Balaji temple at Chhatribaug and it was a rainy day then

The rains had begun a day before and the weather was very cloudy for those 2-3 days when Andhra and Karnataka were also deluged with flash floods.

You had soiled your diaper and we changed it in the temple around 7pm just when the Veda-learning students were preparing to begin their veda pathanam.

The priest had remarked that we should nto have brought you out of the house so early for they in their community didn’t bring out kids till they were 2 months old.

Well so much so for learning about people’s practices.

 

I wish I could be with you through the next 3 months and live every moment of yours with you

I have recorded some of your movements but I am not sure how soon they will change and I want to record a lot more..

 

You have this wonderful way to turn to your right and watch the bed from that angle trying to do I don’t know what.. but you have also been a very quiet girl in a way ‘cos you don’t make a lot of fuss.. except when you are hungry.. I want to understand your deeper mind but no one has really been able to do that yet, so I am no superman to do that either.

 

I write this to express myself to you so that when you grow up, you might - MIGHT - M I G H T get a chance to read what all your dad went through when you were barely in a cognitive mode.. but then who knows if you get the time and interest to do it or not… most often, I also don’t feel like writing so then you are but just a bundle of senses till you are about 10 or so.

 

Well there is much other to write I think, but I end up writing only so much and then the rest gets dissipated….

It is Diwali this time on the 17^th – Naraka chaturdashi and Lakshmi Pooja on the same day

I plan to leave office at 5pm and get to the bus stop at Vikhroli to get to you for Diwali day.

I hope you will be able to stand the Diwali crackers sound and we will try to keep you safe as much as possible.

 

 

Well as your mother had wished, for your 21^st day, we didn’t do the following things

-       Put you in a cradle

-       Get you black bangles and tie the black thread around your waist

-       Get you into a new dress and also put the black eyemarkers to your eyelids

Your mom had told me upfront that since she had sacrificed so much for herself she didn’t want to do that for you, but well, we started off with minimalistic things for you.

Even your cradle has been put up only on the 25^th day when Pappa tied up some cloth as he told me on the phone.. let’s hope you are able to find such makeshift arrangements ok for you for now since you don’t make too much of a fuss anyway.

I hope we as parents can meet up your expectations in the times to come.

I close this note with more and more blessings and love for you and hope to write in Amitabh Bachchan’s blog also about you.

So with the best of wishes for you and hoping to see you so soon…. Lovingly yours… <whatever you will learn to call me>

week 3

you are to be 3 weeks old on 5th Oct...
wOw 3 weeks passed already since the day you came into our world and we are all coping with your ways of life..
i came back from Bombay for the 3 day break 2nd-4th Oct
4th Oct you complete 21 days actually.. so we will officially go to the temple then.. with you.
your first temple visit

there have been things i have been reading up about how to interact with babies like you.. how parents are supposed to cope with them, what parents need to unlearn to learn new way..
but i am there in bombay and you all are here, and what i tell is not easily understood by all.. esp. your mom needs to understand these.. and i hope she will be able to give the right approach to bring you up.. so u grow up more aware and more knowledgable..

we all hope for the best
there is still confusion over your name..
i hope i can put it to rest soon..

contemplative you

Hi Bubbulu
i am writing to you on 29th Sep 09, the day I returned back to Bombay to resume work but my thoughts were always with you and everyone else at Indore.
I am for some reason attached to that place and now the attachment has grown very strong
I need to go back there and do things on my own, but I am very very skeptical on how to start and what to take off from.

But these have been perpetual thoughts, like I have been caught in a whirlpool and am just rotatinng in that same loop all along

The day you were born, the look on your face was like- where the hell have I landed...
I have been thinking about the soul in you that you bring with you, the day that soul actually would have awakened and felt the things around yourself trying to figure out where are you and what are you doing there... i await that day when I can have a conversation with you

I wonder over the last 14 days, I have bserved you in different moods, most often that of a crying baby hungry for food or basically wetting your nappies, but the other mood fascinates me, when you have your eyes wide open and move your hands and legs aimlessly for me it seems, but for some purpose that your brain defines for you...
I have seen you stare blankly, and I wonder what you might be thinking, if you ever did in those times, and what makes you look like that.
You have some interesting expressions on your face and I have kissed you for the first time on 28th itself, lest I miss out on the opportunity to kiss your pretty features, though with some apprehension that my kiss might defile you in some way...
but I did, and I have taken away even that sanctity off you.

there are times over the last week when I have shaken you, I have tapped hard on the underside of your feet just to see how you react, and taken some pleasure in it, sadistic should I say??? which I now feel was wrong, but I did that wrong..
I see you dosing off to sleep while feeding, which doctors say all babies do, but maybe it's the situation in the house or my impatience that I had to force things.. I promise I will never ever do that ... nor will I ever lift my hand over you out of frustration...
I am hoping I will be able to write to you more oftener, especially asking you what your thoughts would have been in thse days, but alas, its difficult to figure out for anyone what such innocent babies are designed to 'think' and contemplate about though your expressions are pretty seriously contemplative.

you were Thus named

yesterday 24-09-2009 was the 11th day of your birth.
11th day is the day of purification
birth of a child is equivalent to the death of a person

the house needs to be purified after the birth on the 11th day

so we had punyavachanam and along with that pappa also 'enforced' or bulldozed, so to say, the namakaranam ceremony..
i was more curious to know about the process, how the naming is to be done based on star and date and rashee, but it turned into an immediate implementation.

Vaadyar mentioned that on 14th Sep 09, which was 5 days before NavRarti started, between 1000-1015 was Kanya Rashee, Punarvasu nakshtram, dashami, after the full moon. and that your name should start with the sounds ra ri rae ru..
we were listing some other names, to start with S to mix into the family set of names.. so I had listed out names like
Shambhavi -which amma had suggested -refering to some Shambhu Rani in her family
Sudarshana -which I suggested refering to your countenance, nice to look at (su darshan, also alluding to Lord Krishna's weapon, and thus to the Vaishnava sect connection of bujju's taste)
Katyayini - for 24th was the 6th day of Navratri belongs to Katyayini form of Durga
Shashwati -the name just popped into my head so thought can consider it, and also thought of the 'modern form' of longer indian names - Sasha - which might be useful later in passports, or when you interact with the world of today's and your times, long names might be a problem...
and there was the name Tattva/Tattvam that I long wanted to consider.. as I thought it out way back in June or so, some different name to the rigmarole of names we read..

but then all those names got wished away in a way when the letter of choice was R, and thus pappa had his thought of naming you after his mother, RamaLakshmi, which in a way is the tradition too... to name the child after someone elder in the family or some god's name.
the other things i needed to write about are:
your vaginal bleeding
your first 'food' on 24th as part of namakarana
your first set of cries
our sleepless nights since 17th when you got back home, our inabilities to understand your needs but figuring out intuitively about your cries meaning hunger, cleaning etc.
your first set of smiles.. came from some kind of dreams you have been dreaming.. or some sensations that makes you smile.. or what we in our human terms know as smile.. you are still in a divine world where all you probably think of is your sensations of intake and outgo...
but it seems you are in a world of your own, your smile conveys that you probably are understanding some things but your blank looks say otherwise...
i don't know what kind of thoughts you go through but they are surely very special for me to imagine you are enjoying them

you have developed this interesting habit of crying unless someone lifts you to feed you.. and you have started distinguishing the male from the female.. for you seek food even when the bai who comes to wash you lifts you.. while when i lift you, you start crying..
how the mind works..

lets hope you get the time to read these thoughts of your dad when you are old enough to understand what we are going through today.. and what you are for us.

i shot some video's of you inyour different moods.. will upload them to youtube once I go back to work from Tuesday 29-09-09.. will miss you in those days of work but I hope there is a chance I can get back to meet you oftener... or work from here itself.

the video of you being bathed, after a massage might help you understand what as a baby you went through then, and how it turned helpful for you.
you have been crying a lot for the last 2 days when someone lifts you.
we thought it was some kind of a pain but maybe it is just that you are so hungry...

your mom is nowadays busy feeding you, cleaning you and resting in the room, for she is in a way under house arest.. or should I say room arest.. she is not supposed to enter the kitchen as suggested by amma, for the doctor has adviced 6 weeks since 21-09-09 of rest for her stitches to heal...

i spoke to pranjal today, and as per his belief, the babies born during Shraddh period before NavRatri are some ancestors in their new avataar.. now that pappa named you after my Paati, grandmothter, and that you keep one eye of yours closed, by design or habit, I am reminded that you are probably her..
I didn't get to know her well then.. lets see if these predictions really hold ground in any way... for Pappa named you after her..
that nomenclature is another controversy which no one wants to talk about.. though i need to put your name down in the birth registration form and i am still wondering what name do I put in there...
R. Tattva-Shashwati or R. Tattva Shambhavi for R. is stuck to you by tradition of the naming ceremony.

confused by my flow of thoughts??? they are just flowing and i write here.

lots of other thoughts to share for the period I am in Indore, before my days of work beckon me to Bombay where you will eventually be soon... though I want you to be here with grandparents and get to share their love and affection too...
let's hope things go all well and good for all..

so my baby, this is the 12th day of you on this planet.. and I am still to come to terms with how I can help you be a very stress-free individual... so help me god!

7th day ends

bubbu is a week old.. today at 1010 am she completed one week out of the womb..
time flied off.. and it's hard to imagine how quickly too...
i have not had the chance to hold her close lest she catches my cold and any virus from me...
there have been other tensions esp. related to help from buju's family..

for some reason, amma and pappa have become very irritable and very very rude..
and they are not realizing that this is a tough image they are creating..
the way pappa talked to lakshmi pinni and uncle and how he talked to doddamma today.. it was downright ugly.

they are losing their sense of balance and it is a hard decision for me now to take.. to have to live with them or not.

bubbu was taken to Dr Aparna Manjrekar last night to check on her overall normalcy esp. related to the way she rolls up her eyes and smiles and twitches her lips.. in the smiling fashion..
but she has been so far told as being normal.

bubbu has this quiet way of taking in the world around her.. she is a quiet type as of now.
once she recongnizes the mother and close ones, she might turn different..
but she has been lifted a lot of times by me and I hope I have not accidentally hurt her in any way...

she has this quiet contemplative mode she goes into and I wonder.. what a baby mind brain must be thinking..
does she have a soul some thoughts .. some identity which she will eventually develop later...
is there some way I can know when that identity begins forming in her? or is it all the conditioning we as parents are giving her?
what... who... how... why....

so many things to do.

and work tension seems to be growing with Venkat's call tonight.

my 6 days old baby

so many stimulations, so many sensory inputs and outputs both for the baby and the parents..
we are learning

i am learning how the baby develops this habit of sucking its thumb - simply because when it was hungry it was not fed properly.. so it takes to alternative means
this i learnt on the 2nd day of my baby being fed/semi-fed unfulfilled in its feeding because of its mother's nipples not being defined for it to suckle on them on the first day itself

the baby was fed on double toned milk on the first day though bujju was told that she has started lactating... but she was not able to learn how to feed the baby.. on the day 1
so over the last 5 days, today she seems to have mastered some art of feeding the baby directly on her milk on her nipples though she is lactating more than the baby needs...

chronicling the last 6 days is a tough one as the time passed quickly with lots of simultaneous stimulations..
looking at the baby itself, it's long fingers - like mine, it's elongated feet, like mine and it's nose like amma's though its lips and smile are like bujjus and her hair is like bujju's too...

so many things we are trying to grasp on to.. how the baby is listening, trying to focus and its brain trying to grasp as much as it can to survive... suckling for all its worth and falling asleep....

it's an interesting 6 days.. and i want to write more of it with pictures..
today 'Tattwa' had her first bath 'at home'

Amma Pappa anniversary

Amma Pappa's 40th Wedding Anniversary passed off with a set of arguments... with all sorts of arguments going around about bujju's family to visit us for helping out with her and the baby...

thoughts are numb and so are actions
the desire to get back to work and Bombay is not there but I have to... decide soon about the time back..

lets hope there is something more lucrative back home here.

bubbu is turning out to be a smart one.. so i think.. not sure how the mind works.. of those babies.

4 days AFTER

WoW . I am a dad.. and I Am not finding words to describethe last 4 days - including today of my life when time just flew by and I - on thought back - was totally focused on some specific tasks...

bringing my baby into this world and our life..



on 14th bet. 1000 and 1010 hrs IST, Punarvasu star and Dashami day, 'tatvam.s.sundaram' - unofficial as of now - was brought into this world by bujju's doctor Archana Baser, and her team of doctors.. including her assistant Akanksha..

I have a lot to write but little time for many things to tend to...
tatvam entered our house at 1420 hrs. on 170909 and will be the light of the family.. in all the times to come...



but yes, we are parents and amma/pappa celebrate their 40th anniversary tomorrow.. so

more from that time.. and state of mind along with the state of mind over the last 4 days...



tatvam's other name if any will be decided and all that jazz...

penultimate day

Raju and sisters landed at home - without prior intimation of their longer stay - meeting only at their last minute of Indore visit
pappa ended up showing them the whole house - a waste of time and unnecessary show of his level of thought.

unfortunate that pappa is turned out to be such a simpleton with a twisted mind

started off our journey to the hospital at 8pm landed at the hospital around 815 or so..
registration happened at around 827pm

the attendant doc sandeep vishwakarma entered some case history and put the time of operation as 1030am, while I had told baser the time of 10am, i guess they really don't care for the patient's time.. or they consider only those patients' time who are able to talk to them properly... we all seem to be totally lost to the ways of the world and am living in our own...
but that's the fact and i have to live with it...

bujju was given some initial preps and then at 945, they took her into the labor room for some tests for heartbeat monitoring.
before that they tested her for any kind of drug reaction and all..

i returned back with amma and pappa leaving lakshmi pinni there - at around 1120pm

tomorrow is the big day... lets hope for the best..
by 1045am.. we will be the real-dad-n-mom and we will have a totally new life to lead on

a journey that we began with a discovery on the 15th Jan '09 is culminating on 14th Sep '09

amma has been taking in a lot of pain and I am in no way able to find out how to keep amma and pappa going on together without the kind of tussles they are having.. even at this age...
please help god!!

for140909 placeholder

Baby Day is here

14 September 2009 around 1000 IST, we should have you with us.. doctor has advised a C-section citing that you are not able to find your way out, and there is some likely obstruction that might be stopping you.. so she wants you out through operation...
may her thoughts be the right ones and may her procedure be the best... for all of us...

I bought a camera yesterday
travelled to Indore
and am ready to welcome you

i am hoping life moves ahead smoother and better now that you are here..

we all wait.. and amma and pappa all the more.. they have not been very traditional and hence they are not very aware of all the customs and traditions..
they are more than happy to have the baby in the house than do all these customs...

I am hoping to keep it simple, short and very convenient...
so help me god.. and may the baby be the best you have given so far!!!!

3 days Closer to D-Day

So here I am, in Indore, doing daily chores, running around the house work, but still have not got around to think and work on the new arrival...
i need to get things together in place and need to purchase things for the baby.. but still i am here and not anywhere else

yesterday went for consultation from Dr Julka. he suggested a change in diet, one chapati more than the restricted one, and PP blood test for 3 days to monitor the levels to be below 140.
hoping that it will be not a problem later... with insulin levels..

got the bank work done yesterday, hoping to tie up those ends soon..

today evening had Lifecell folks visiting to explain the plan and the options... and the purpose to get into it.. lets hope i can decide on this and go for it ...
need to look for reviews on it now..

YSR - CM of AP disappeared with his chopper over forests of AP... not sure if it has any impact on bubbu but who knows... what the butterfly effect can bring forth

It rained this evening.. while the lifecell folks were at home, around 6pm
good rain and even now, around 10pm it is raining... good for us all

bubbu's moving around.. i felt and i am getting ready for the baby...
but i am tense about work in the back of my head..
my head is worried about my busy schedules i will have later and i am trying to avoid it.

revisited some old photos of the early 60s - black and white - of amma and pappa
lakshmi pinni and uncle were here, last night uncle left and kiran will be here around the 9th..

listed down the nakshatra and tithis from 7th till the 14th Sep '09
still to figure out a good name... for the period of birth..

how to record the time of birth was suggested by Uncle and had an animated chat on that.. how to sync watches etc...
but is the actual time of birth that when the baby coming out into this world, or when the baby has first started moving its limbs.. which is the 34th week in this case??

saw your face

and ready to see you too...
landed up at home..
went to meet the doc at 4- got in at 5, she bantered around asking why I am here.. when the date is not due yet...

was concerned if bubbu was growing in weight or not..
suggested a doppler

at 1940, the doppler happened and I was in there with bujju and pappa to see how it all works
all fears about umblical cord getting twisted around the neck/reduced blood flow were put to rest when doc Neeraj Gupta said that the weight might have been due to bujju's reduced diet
and so bujju's reducing weight was being compensated by bubbu's growth and what a perfect match they have kept at 71kg

so .. things look good there..
but other fronts need more attention...

more about my home stay on soon

coming home baby

I begin my journey today... towards welcoming a new life..
a life I had been waiting for - well waiting for?? - all these months..
since Jan 15th when chinnu went to Berhampur till Sept 15th when we will be in a new role...
life has been one hell of a set of same old shit different day only peppered by the wait.. the moments of mental thought pressure that bujju has been going through and what I have been going through here as part of my role, my self, my thought sets which in a way were pulling me back.. making me see the negatives.. but not able to think what positives would neutrilize them

all these came went we have survived...
amma even went into a cataract operation 2 days back, on 28th.. i didn't capture that here...
but yes she went in, with LAkshmi pinni around the house, doing her duty of a younger sister, reluctantly more so I think...

i have always been thinking amma and bujju will be able to get along well...
but that has not come through.. more fire in the background there...

and yet I didn't change my daily night sessions ...
back home
on the laptop to update expenses
and then switch the router on and stay there put till 1AM

pathetic...


then the guilt as i hit the bed and then praying for all to be ok praying to bajrangbali and ganapati baba and all the other forces to keep my amma pappa bujju bubbu and lately... shanu safe and happy...
thats all i want but then i have this longing to be with amma and pappa but unfortunately the pressure bujju has experienced there...
last 2 days i have been thinking why this is happening...

all this impacts the new baby getting in here....
i don't know how to welcome the baby
no thought gone into doing up the house
no thought about how to handle the delivery process
no thought about what all are needed for the baby..
no discussion no advice from amma and pappa.. they will have their own opinions later on accusingly more often than not
all i had been doing is sit on the net and browse.. no planning nothing...
and since last week, with work pressure mounting..more no-planning..
just wallowing in self pity!!!
except one step to spend 10K towards financial planning... I am just hoping that one goes through well... lets hope that gives me some peace of mind!!!! please~!

and the baby might have already imbibed all those thoughts of bujju to some extent... the pressure, the negativities, the sadness, the hunger pangs and the repressed feelings to break free and anger...
.. already found underweight as per the doc by about 250 gms. but still normal within the range as per our genetics, was in breech position till 37th week, and last 2 weeks seem some change in position..
bujju's high blood sugar and the subsequent treatment
the water quality being consumed..
and the doctor's final verdict tomorrow.. 31st Sept ..

so many things... one small life.. coming in with some of its own destiny.. designed by us!!!

i am begining my journey today to welcome this bundle... with my own set of fears and limitations and holdups!!! so help me god!

last 2 weeks before deliverance

over the last one month, since I was back from Indore, lots of things happened..

i am writing them here in no specific order but the impact on the baby is probably going to be seen one day of the stress the mother has gone through in that house..

there is no one to blame but circumstances - AND - people's reaction to the circumstances.
but this can't be explained in layman terms to everyone.. esp. when it comes to women who have some kind of an issue with other women..
amma - for all she used to preach to me - seems to have gone to behave like the rest of the old women - OR SO it SEEMS but I am not sure if I am wrong on this account too...
surely, she has issues with the new mother for she expects everything to be as per her ways and means... and she does not tolerate anything that goes off that...
hats off to pappa to have been able to manage himself through all this... and also to amma to have been able to pull through all this

i feel sorry for both but I have no options in my hand - at least I am not able to THINK of any - that I could rise up to and bring them to understand how they are impacting people around


maybe the stress management or genetics, but bujju's blood sugar in control since the diet being prescribed

BP was on the higher side - doc said not to take any salt items in her last visit on 24th
also said the baby had moved off the breech position so lets hope there is a movement towards the natural process...

sometimes over the last few weeks it felt that the things are going as I want, as bujju wants.. but feel scared of being so optimistic that 'luck' could be favoring all these things...
but i hope luck does favor and things get alright for all of us...

rains are coming in the last 10 odd days only about 30 min in the morning time.. otherwise days are all dry and sunnu
water cuts will be enforced

I am going back to the Astrology book, which mentioned about the last 100 years of sun-sign birthmonths/dates
so based on that, kids born in this year 2009 will have personality impact of low rain, drought and water related worries, possibly insecurities of some kind might develop in them related to that??? - just trying my head at astrology

my project work also started right when I thought i will be able to make it for bujju in Sept.
Work started since 17th Aug and now I am in a quandry how to go on leave and fpr how long
earlier I would have taken off for more than 10 days.. but now... not sure if I will be able to
and then to bring bujju back here and adjust to all the things with the new baby...

wow... my head is not clear how I will deal with all this...
car has to be got, no other option to take them out anywhere...
maid servant will have to be hired...

increments are not coming through, don't know how my life is getting to turn out later in time.. but I am praying and hoping that the baby's life is smooth and trouble free though there is nothing like that on this planet

an advance welcome to the world bubbu.. i will be seeing soon... who you are what you are how you are

i hope one day you will read all this and think of some thoughts about us - your parents - thoughts you might not have thought before.. and wondering what kind of times were these when you were created and delivered into this world

i don't have my camera to capture the way I used to.. things on that front - camera/photography - have been relegated to the old cupboard... how i wish i could go back to it.... will have to buy a new camera shortly before I go there.. which is on 30th Aug. '09

i will at least start on photography again now that bubbu is here... !!!

Lakshmi Pinni and Uncle arrived in indore yest night. 25-08-09
it seems amma has been telling her all about bujju and her ways and means... not sure if it is with negative connotations or what... but it seems also that amma pappa are now looking at everything in a detached manner....
i can feel it ..
hope all is for the best...
more to come - more thoughts - more anxieties..

trying times

Since the last time I was here, things have been very trying.... for everyone in the family.. trying with worries of one kind or another...

in no specific order but in the order of the highest worries
-CWB and the threat for Pune move or lose the job. this was a huge issue which in a way has restricted all my moves, my yearnings to be with bujju and amma and apappa

-Bujju feeling harangued by amma with all the taunts amma made targeting her 'genetic issue' the high sugar levels that have been found in her.. - I hated this part the most.. how could an educated person think on those lines esp. when I don't blame anyone for their genes...
if I did, I should be the most blamed person but I really am pissed off with Amma but they are to be left on their own for they are now beyond any kind of discussion...
bujju herself is a scared individual.. all this is scaringn her but she is taking everything in her stride...
i wonder how it would feel to be on your own, in your husbands house with taunts flying around you..
bujju has cried a lot I know.. yet she has - for the sake of bubbu.. pulled along... and I have not been able to do anything about it...

-bubbu was found underweight.. when I was there during the last month.. even forget when I was I there last.. it was July 22-26th I think.. it's almost a month now..
at that time, the doctor did a Sonography and said the baby was in breech position which was a cause for concern in a way

we had a debate in the house how the doctor is probably trying to fleece with the C-Section procedure and trying to ensure the patient and the family try and give in to the doctors advice and all such doubts which usually raise the tempers in all of us in the house...

-my MBA course was another big bad surprise and shock.. now that i finished the 4 papers out of 6 and off these 4 too, not sure if I will clear all, I have a higher load on myself with my work load doubling just from today...
the assignment that has come to me from this character S Rege seemed to have pushed me into this corner from where I don't see a break out unless it is a break out of the company.. that's one thing I am getting surer of...

but I have also had renewed faith in the lord for having seen me through these times and I just hope all these thoughts get to bubbu and bubbu takes them in the stride of life he is just going to get into...

- bigger issues came on to all of the world of India
DROUGHT
the worst patch of rainfall - lack of it - has gripped all of us and that is a bigger worry for all because now with Bubbu in, I am not sure how the situation is going to impact us all in the coming times
drinking water in indore is contaminated and they are all drinking tubewell water... with whatever taste it gives
there is a worry that this water might also affect bubbu but we are leaving everything to the lord to take care of...
bajrangbali and Ganapati are my constant companions these days...
a turn on it's head for times when I was not believing that a force as the lord's existed... I think i didn't believe in such things... but dont remember

- pappa is running around with the work in the apartment.. almost single handedly he has taken life from one corner of the world to the other and he is still - touch wood - there for me.. I wish, pray and hope amma and pappa are always with me as they are today... please.... bhagwaan..

I wonder at times what kind of a situation have I got stuck in...
am feelingn all alone.. wife and parents are on their own there while we should all be together.. there is this intense need to be with them but because of the money part... I am broken and Torn!!! and no where to go to get this issue resolved...

there have been instances of thought where i did think that over the last year and a half that I wasted, these are times that will make me work for those lost times..


there are more things to write.. all about the worries we and I am going through and since today's work load situation, I am dying of the expectations being mounted on me...
bhagwan prabhu raksha karo!!

will hope to write sometime soon... if life permits...
with the kind of 12-14 hr scheds I am going to get into from TODAY, in this DELIVEYR MANAGEMENT thing, life needs to permit me...
please permit me life to be with my family and a better quality of life...

now there are only 20 days left for bubbu to arrive and I Am STUCK in this situation that will make me feel so wretched if I am not able to spend time as I was able to earlier that I will decide on leaving my job of this kind to be with my family...

but that is not a practical thought any more... i have to get an alternative options NOW and get on to it so help me lord..

time going by

In this hectic journey days pass by..

~ many thoughts trailing away ..

~ words left unspoken ~ deeds left off done hastily ~ moments left unlived ~ people left unacknowledged ..

~ waiting for something, someone to complete them for us!

FW: FW: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$........

NoTE: Even in South America, this image is doing its rounds amongst people.. there is something captivating about this image..

Money Coming Your Way..............

 

 

catching up.. in parts

there is much to write about.
been very lax at updating myself on the events.. since I last went home in June. and now it's almost Jul end and I have not been there. nor online here
lots of events happened in this time.. not in any particular order but what i was impacted by were
a. Michael Jackson dies.. 26th June 09 I think

b. rains are very late in India, Bombay, Indore.. it started since 10th Jul almost.. 14th to actually start pouring.

c. water cuts started in bombay, i was at one point in time wondering what happens if there is no rain this time.. and it was a scary thought... was updating FB with my thoughts then

d. amma and bujju are not getting along well so I think.. or feel and hear.. part of it is bujju too but being the senior, amma has a bigger part to play in this..
i remember, last time when i was there, in June, I watched amma give bujju that look.. when she was eating.. and the way she talks sarcastically with her.. not sure why this is happening what are the insecurities she has.. but the situation for bujju could not be any better...
her situation impacts the baby in her.. and i am just hoping of all hopes that the emotional fear inside her does not take any indirect impacts on the baby

amma is totally not reasonable i think. she still considers her own ways to be perfect and without flaw and she thinks everyone else is not upto her mark..
she has kept this equation in her favor for pappa does not have any other choice but then they have not resolved their behaviour problems as I see them either

e. Shanu called, had a talk with him, on his 35th birthday...
boy has he also not grown....

he said how he feels about the guilt he has been going through of all the past we have been through.
he said it openly, that he cried when he thought and realised how he had been sarcastic in his comments in the past, and how he wish he didn't say them
but i didn't tell him how bad even i felt and how even i have cried thinking about how i treated him.. all because of lack of knowledge of the impact of my behavior then.. but then maybe he will come back and live in India for whatever time he feels like.. and I hope sure he will come soon. .. for he is very much missed here

and he was commenting about how I did not tell him about bujju and the baby.. for which I had no answer bt I wanted to surprise him.. but amma didn't think it was worth the surprise

f. dadar house is on the block.. to be pulled down but the 5 brothers are fighting it out.. for the eldest one wants his share in the house...
another of the topics i discussed with shanu... and also how shruti acted up when she was here... courtesyless person.. psychology student..
big deal

g. work has been sucking me in some form.. there have been no concrete work but excel sheet updates continuously..
no skil improvement
my MBA is suffering BIG TIME and I Am BEING VERY IRRESPONSIBLE ABOUT IT..
as soon as i am back, i get online and stay here for ever...
I hate it when I get to bed late, and ask Bajrangbali to help me but I am not helping myself...
I am hating myself for this but I am not able to get down to fixing up my mind either and focusing on the studies... and now I have only 15 days left for the exam
4 months!!!!! just gone and I studied NIL!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am hating myself not enough to correct myself...
I used to brag about all these teachings of Stephen Covey, delayed gratification and all.. and here I am, just the anti of what I used to believe and practice so often till 2004...
is it age? it is marriage? actually I think it is this insecurity of the future, about wasting my past not saving enough, and carrying it into my present..
screwing up my present too..
God!! I need help to stop this and plan things quick and implement them quicker.. please HELP!!!

h. paid off 1.2 lac for home loan
8.75 still pending, and i need to get into a better state to pay that off sooner... somehow
have finally decided to get it on with the financial planner but she too is in her own world, and I am not mustering enough courage to get myself into a shape to talkto her and get started with it.
markets are see sawing and I am clueless how I am to use the money I have for now, and the future
have so many pending things that being online, I end up doing nothing about it...
- home makeover
- vehicle purchase
- Indore repair overseeing
- Amma's operation
- Pappa's health checkup - shoes and hearing aid
- SHCIL demat conversion
- Tanishq
- baby's upcoming functions and I am scared to think of these either for I don't want to mess up things; and i am feeling embarassed about how i will conduct these in the first place; i don't know why but this is how i have been and i need to CHANGE
I keep lecturing bujju to change herself.. but where am I!!!
- this house seems small with the baby in, will need to keep a bai for her, will need to have someone cook, and all that, where do I get the money for all this... and what will happen to my savings and all.. that's what is worrying me.. and i am not doing anything about it but just sitting numb.. online
idiot!!
- clothes to buy
- sofa to buy
- dining table and computer table to buy

so many things... so much wastage of time!!!

i. today bujju said that the doctor mentioned the baby is a very active one.. happy thought.. but scared too in a way .. what will the baby turn out to be.. interesting times these..
bujju had been off and on worried about her swellings in the leg and fingers but it is just anxiety of a new mom... and she probably understands that but I get worried
the baby has been kicking... since my last June visit.. and this time, when I go on 19th, it might be a real feeling for me too...
wow!!!! I can't wait to talk to the baby.. and hope some kind of gyan to filter into it's developing brain... watched some NatGeo series on womb development.. some amazing nature that is
it's week 30 of the baby!!!
10 more weeks to go!!!!!!!!! and life will never be the same again

if bubbu reads these later in life... what will (s)he think??

j. we have been thinking up names. I have been writing emails to bujju from office so that could be used in this blog for the periods i have missed writing..
but yes, names are now making rounds and I need to ask Pappa and amma also about this and see what they think

k. Mohan Pothan's house was attacked... I was shocked
there are SMS's from pappa which i need to blog about.. date wise.. soon

l. Pranjal's China project got a bad jerk.. seems he was cheated by the chinese guy...
he plans to sell off his plant now and focus on the construction area... lets hope he does better this time around
Pramod Sahu has been suddenly getting a little curious...
sticky ....

more to come
more to come...

FW: new lesson for the day

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From: rangamani_ch@hotmail.com
To: shrikantsundaram@hotmail.com
Subject: new lesson for the day
Date: Sat, 4 Jul 2009 15:31:09 +0530

hi pandu how r u ? how r things with u iam fine hope the same with u.
pandu i want to so many things but i forget while im sitting infornt of computer i will not remember actually what i want to write but today i write some thing different can u guess what im going to write any idea........... ? no naa ok  i will telll .today ........... today im going to write aacha bol rahe he hui don't switch of computer ok.
 
Today's my topic is differenciate between ladki and ladka:
 
LADIKI:
1. ladkiya chahati hai usko extra care kare.
2.ladki bacho jaise treat karti hai
3.some times baywaja rai deti hai
4.ladkiya hamesh a puchitihai ladko say woh kitni special unke liye
5.kayee aise sawal puchiti hai use ladke irritate hogate hai
6.ladko par shek kar neki aadat hogati hai
7.ladhko ko har bath mei cross connection par parkh ti reheti hai
8.choti choti bato mei to rona to jaise unki aadath hoti hai.........
 
 
LADHKO:
1.ladhko ko ladikiya ki feelings se koi matlab nahi hoti hai
2.ignore karna to ladhko ki pitrath hoti hai
3.ladhko ko apne kamre and ghar ki saphayee se koi matlab nahi hoti hai
4.agar ve date par bhi jate hai to bhi unka dhayan romantic bate karne se jayada khane par hoti hai
5.ladhke har samayee dusiri ladhkiyo ko gurte rehate hai
6.ladhke imotions ke sath kehlte hai aur bhelm ladhiki yo par dalte hai
 
pandu now tell isme kitna rating dete hai? a sahee hai ya galath hai . a sirf youngsters keliye or bachlor keliye istmal hota hai. nahi to kya a budhe ke liye nahi or married couple kye liye toda iska asar hota hai or a kaho toh a toda related hai.
 
agar aap kuch comment karna chahate toh pl: log on karke is pate par aap sujav or aap ka vichar dal sakte hai
 
dhanyawadh
aap ka subh chintakh
mugeri lal ki hasin sapne
chanti
 

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2 weeks later...

it's the 7th month onset..
i have been distracted a lot
and the drive to write went low

the baby needs to know later what all we thought about it.. what we went through before it's arrival and how we dealt with it.
there have been fears on the behalf of the mom..
i have watched some Discovery channel serials which showed how the babies of some animals went through their life cycles...
i am in awe how the human baby develops with time

now the baby can hear music and can react to the voices around.. in a way I have distracted interest in the happenings of my baby.. not a good idea but imagine how it was in the times way back when.. though there is an option now to keep track of how the baby is.. it takes a long time and effort...

not sure how to manage it..
but I want to be with the baby soon
work is slow and some crappy work is on from tomorrow.. not sure how long it will last and how i will manage it in Sep. but I need to be with her from Aug itself.

I want to read stories to the baby and make it a very inquisitive and responsible individual...
lets hope luck is on my side..
there are so many other things to do in parallel..

went to meet the psycho counsellor but the situation and background set up was totally unexpected but i played by my ear...

Navin Varma became a dad now - on 26th May
Shx became a dad 2 months back
there is a surge.. and there is a need for more care and alertness... in all ways

FW: Meet the parents

Shrikant saw this article on HindustanTimes ePaper, and thought you would find it interesting. You can find it at: 'Meet the parents'

Shrikant also sent the following message:
indications for us to be - .oh-so--prepared

HindustanTimes ePaper - Digital replica of Print Edition.

move baby move

bujju said today that the baby is active..
it's the 27th week... to be expected
and also that she wrote in Tamil.. good begining...

i hope the baby learns more than 3 languages by the time it is 4

Indore had its first pre-monsoon rain day before yesterday
the power cut is still random
the water supply is still screwed up.. wonder where that city is going to go.. and how amma pappa are managing so much difficulty

i want to be with bujju and spend time with the baby.. i am as such not having any work on hand.. transition and handovers are happening slowly.. if i start, i will have to take a chance to work from Indore..
as it is, though I have been given a V Good in my rating, I don't know what my increment will be like.. since the variable pay was increased by 5%
take home has reduced..

today had been reading up about the brain development of the baby.. interesting info..

- i still am not focusing on studies...
- Dadar flat might be sold off and i will lose one precious visit to that colony of my birth.. i can't do a thing since i don't have the money to invest in buying it out...
life sucks but i have to rally on

another peek at life

Over the last few days I am back to my routine in Bombay..Internet.. TV… and then sleeping

The thought of studying is making me nervous..More so because I am fearing inside that I won’t remember anything and I will not understand everything

My patience levels are running out … and I fear more.than before...

I need a break from this fear and the only way for that is to identify all that I fear and tackle them each one by one.

I don’t want to transmit this fear to the new life coming up… and I need a solution for this at the earliest. Maybe the visit to the psychologist is a need….

Bujju went to the doctor today.. and said she saw the face of the baby.. that’s an amazing thing. I wish I was also there and was able to share the moment with her.

She says the baby looked like the face of the poster baby we have… that’s an interesting thought… :> how the mind seeks such signs to think everything is well and good…

The doc has said that everything is fine with the baby and the brain development is also good… - that amma was concerned about – but I am not sure how the brain development is possible to see via a sonography…

But there are issues that bother me otherwise too.. there is severe water shortage in our house.. drinking water. Indore is turning into a messy place but unfortunately, the place is such that we have decided to live there for good… well Amma in a way didn’t but papa went ahead – with our silent agreement – to build a house, to ensure we all lived with him. He never thought of the way the future might turn out to be.. and in a way I am also turning out to be like that I am afraid.

Ok, let me use this platform to list out my fears

I am not thinking of the future of our life in terms of

• where to settle down,
• how to fend for kids education and future
• how to manage retirement
• what I should do after retirement so that I don’t end up with no income at all
• what do I do if I am not into IT
• what are the alternative professions I should look for and soon

there are so many more to write but my patience is running out...

there is a huge state of confusion and I need to get some grip on where to start from. I have taken the appointment with the psychologist. It’s a practice that they would eventually pass the buck back to me but let me try at least…

watched the play Chanakya yesterday. Another of those social outings that kept me tongue tied and didn’t get me to explore the deeper meanings of human interactions.

Dadar flat is to undergo renovation and that's another incident that made me go there this weekend. to take pictures of the flat the way it is today.. for tomorrow that birth place of mine will have changed into something totally different...

return trip

as i return back from home.. I am greeted in the morning by a gory accident scene.. have written off and on about this scene on all my different blog sites... so don't want to repeat it here.. but the fact remains that in India, the value of life is diminishing and all of us are becoming akin to rodents..

i hope i am able to teach the baby the value of life and the meaning it has for all of us.. we seem to be losing it bit by bit every day...

the in-laws house

bujju is going to stay with her in-laws from today onwards.. on her own.. as I move back to Bombay for work life...

I am hoping there will be the almighty force that will take care of everything and I leave it up to it to ensure the well being of my dad, mom, bujju and baby

the baby seems to be giving signals to the mother.. and I have to be around to feel that presence..

Hanuman, Sai Baba raksha karo bhala karo

lost in development

this city where i am to get my baby into the human world is lost in chaos...
i hope the baby is able to make its way out of it all...
i need to maintain my sanity
yelled at pappa again... i need to be more patient..

heard your heartbeats

and it was interesting moment... today.. with everyone of the family around... we all heard you baby!!!!
you have a wonderful heart beating to the tune of music.. and you are doing well... wow!!! how technology enabled us to hear you... even before we know what you are like

your mom was very happy... and she said she felt some movements around.. so thats even more enthralling to know...

i have so many thoughts about nature per se.. and how it triggers a pair of cells to turn into an entity which eventually can change the course of nature itself....

we are a family now and we are so glad.. only unfortunately.. pappa missed hearing you. i hope he can feel the same sound waves from you like all of us... you need to live with amma and pappa to appreciate how much love you are going to feel from them...

...i have so much more to write.. its 2AM and i woke up to ensure i didn't miss writing this day!!!

in Baby Territory

began our journey ito the baby territory on Saturday.. on Mom's b'day and landed in Indore on Mother's day... it all seems to be getting in to place...

this is week 22nd.. and now I hope bujju will feel much better without all the tension she had been facing of handling things all on her own
it's going to be tight for me and her ..but i am sure it will be manageable..
more to come after her tests tomorrow...

fatherhood blogs

have to figure out how to be more expressive as a father... blogwise and othewise

have to read up some good blogs and see how people do it

placeholder

change in work

The day began with training - cross cultural sensitivity..
it ended with the note that my work of transition needs to be stopped...
in a way.. i feel happy
in a way.. i feel it might all work out in the end for me to be with the baby when it comes along...
but i am just counting on my stars now for that to happen

bujju has been trying to keep things going - with the limited manoeuvrability she has, she has been keeping the engine rolling.. i sometimes feel that I am being overprotective - lest there is some problem and I will have to shell out loads of money to get the issue resolved.. my complete approach is from the expenses perspective and that is what is keeping me so tied down to not venturing out and do things - do new things - do things differently...

i get to talk to the baby every day morning and evening... bujju acts so cutish when she talks to the baby posters... i simply love the childlike thoughts she has and her tone and at some level, though she knows she is that, she also possesses that maturity that I don't see much of.. she acts childlike but she definitely knows when to cut the crap and get to serious business..

i am hoping of all hopes that I am able to work from Indore during the months of Aug end to Sept end... so help me God!!!

the baby is in the 20th week.. and I am confused.. sometime last week also it was the 20th week.. the calculation shows this should be the 21st...
and that is a huge thing.. there is listening ability coming up soon and sensations will begin to flow in too... nature has this amazing creative power that I totally totally bow down to...
may the good forces be with the baby!!!

bal vaakyam daiva vaakyam!!! - bujju told me this day before yesterday.. she knows much.. the information comes out as needed..
she has this amazing fascination for the devi jatra that happens till Kartik Ekadasi year.. I need to write more about this in time..

for the baby, from my side, i want a mix bringing up of traditional culture and the current 'care-two-hoots' culture but I myself am not so connected with the traditional culture.. so I need to work on that.. and will need to ask bujju about how she wants to bring up the baby...
should be a very balanced mix and I hope I will be able to do justice to my own role
I want the baby to live with Amma Pappa and at least feel that companionship and also with the other elders in the family so that there is some essence that gets transferred.. but time shall only tell..

placeholder

Weekend of unity

The last day of this long weekend...
spent time again in domestic chores.. and no studies.. people would have cracked all their study material in this time.. but here I am
don't know why I am not able to focus on important things..

there was a dilemma in going or not going to Indore.. esp. because I thought I need to spend some time with the growing baby ball.... but then for that I should have planned things well in advance.
Now I can only but rue that I am not getting the time I need to be with bujji in this stage...

there is much to write.. esp. what thoughts we have for the baby now and how this might impact the child later in the future... who knows how much of those thoughts I will remember.. trust she will but then.. the essence of the thought and the fun element will be lost ...

so it is that capture of thoughts that I want to put here... who knows if this will be read at all.. again by me or anyone..
I wrote so much on Xanga.. I don't even read that now.. though Ido want to...
information overload!!!! it's spinning my head.

figured this morning that the Tatkal quota for 8th May is over... how pathetic of me to not figure out that in summer, people will book early and that there is limited quota... If I wanted to be there for Amma's birthday.. it didn't happen this time at least... thanks to my lazyness...
surely, I have the will but a very weak will power to make things happen....
change!!!!

united weekend

Finally the long weekend arrived and it is already the 3rd day of it...
30th was voting day... I voted - for the 1st time in life!!!! after that Voter ID drive way back in 1990-1991
1st - Mayday!! labor day.. state holiday or national holiday.. one of them though nowadays people don't know if it is only a state holiday or a national one... everyone has become so narrowly focused.. the call center girl of IDBI said it is a Maharashtra holiday... even I have lost sense of the days... too bad to be such an absent minded guy...

Have been thinking of spending time with the baby but it never just happening in a way I thought it should.
I am not making time for the baby specifically.. and that I should in the next 5 days..
I want bujju to stay here with me for some days but also the checkup is important..
so she will have to go there but amma says I should not get her to travel so often.. so maybe I will have to keep visiting her oftener taking leave from work!

I have this concern for Bujji because she's feeling or acting scared of things.. which she should be able to handle with time
but for some reason, we get lost in our interactions so much that we just lose out on time and key thoughts to work on... it's this tendency to laze around that is kicking me and her most of the times and we are just not making up for lost time...
she is upset and rues that we didn't have sufficient interfacing in the last 3 years which even i would agree with.. we didn't. even when we are living on our own!!
There is much I thought of writing in this post, but nowadays I am writing because I want to leave a trail of thoughts we have been through.. not so much "we" 'cos I am not able to have bujji's thoughts in place as she expresses them but she has some interesting observations which make me wonder... how sharp the mind can be to be able to observe things with such minute detail and 'remember' them ...
i am happy for her being!! may she and our future be blessed...

Back with the baby

The weekend was a whirlwind.. and finally.. I am with my bujju.. and the baby.
Left on friday by Hussainsagar express at 2150 or Hyd and started back the next night at 2200 by the Hyd DDR holiday special.. with my precious...
The return journey was hellish in the last phase.. .from the time, almost around noon.. after Daund, the heat literally beat down on us.. the trip down the hills after Pune was unbearable.. esp. because we were in the sleeper class...

The train schedule was so odd that we missed the lunch time while at Pune, there was no other lunch option..
reaching Dadar at 330pm, with a heated head and dried throat, with nothing else to eat, we landed at home around 5 pm..
with a short re-union ritual which got us both sleeping at 930pm, it also got me mad that we lost precious time

Closer to knowledge

I am getting closer to the reality I will face soon…

Bujju is on the way to Hyderabad, got delayed.. in getting on the train and probably made it around 1230pm today

 

She has had a good 3 month break.. I am hoping she will be doing well healthwise and I will need to be very practical going forward with everything.

Got to ensure she is able to do things properly at home…. and make arrangements for her comfortable stay.

 

Realized, having been to Blue Frog last night.. how life is changing all around me.. people have gone from one level to another.. the same area I used to be visiting once upon a time as a technical support guy… today they are all wearing a new garb… and a new skeleton too

 

Didn’t realize I would miss the change till I am in the changed surroundings.

Something needs to be done about this routine of mine.. this place I am working at and the environment I am creating for myself..

There needs to be a lot of thought I need to put into all this.

Also need to help Pranjal out on his venture.. and get my MBA done.. the course material seemed a drag but I HAVE to stick to some Schedule now…

 

Awaiting the baby’s presence eagerly!!!!!

 

-via email

closer to re-union

Didn’t get to think about anything major yesterday.

Today, had some detailed discussions with the onsite guy – Kaushik Ramamoorthy…

 

Sounded very professional and very practical… with some good advice on the delivery model

 

TechM management spoke to the junta explaining what the Satyam gyan will be like.. didn’t find much there..

My main concern is about how to handle home and work… and Indore.

 

If there is some way out of that, I will be more than glad to continue in this role… for long.

 

Bujju is in a pensive mood… all set to get out of her home and get into a new phase of life… we are ready for our re-union on 25^th Apr ‘09

 

Tags: re-union,

Final weekend

Finally, the week of meeting comes along.. will meet my sweety soon...
weekend was spent getting some house work.. didn't study as usual.. have to HAVE TO

met up with the GSTI gang of yesteryears.. at Powai... thanks to Subrat, met with Somdev, Ashwin, Deepak Agarwal, Vishvesh and Sameer.

upset bujju today scolding her.. but she does not understand sometimes..or maybe chooses not to

bought a puzzle for Avani. Hope she will like it and will use it.
somewhere i thought that all this gifting will make those people think I am like going to be the perpetual giver for them.. some expectations I need to limit up.. and I hope to be more careful in trying to understand all these aspects... and act accordingly... 'cos the woman will want to show off to her people and will approach me to do that..

politically correct writing is more important keeping future in mind..

figured out my asset/liability breakup.. roughly and I hope I will be able to correct the spendings on
a. insurance- this has to be a term insurance and reduce the rest. have spent 7.8 lac already on premium.. try to surrender and get the rest back for future investment
b. monthly expenses - reduce this specifically.. phone

got the HLN stuff for the next few months and also to lend to the Hyd people. that's another set of expense I need to revert back by making them members... hope to do this on 25th itself.

interestingly, today I was able to buy the tickets for 24th.. LUCKiLY..
I thought the bookings will open tomorrow but apparently, on 19th, they would have opened for 24th - 5 days from today.. so luckily, was able to buy tatkal, paying 482/- bucks for a 330/- ticket... what a bunch of cheats the railways have become...

watched Animal Planet -the Masai Mara scavenger series, the Wildebeeste river crossing and the feeding event.. an awesome spectacle of Nature which could not have been caught in any better way than the way it was presented... an annual feeding ritual for the crocs, the vultures, the herons, and all other scavengers which 'plan and prepare' for this event of the year, waiting an easy capture... all towards satisfying one simple natural need... hunger.
life's cruel when you look at all this.. but that's what is life.. we have to learn to get over it and do what we have to do.. just as the Wildebeeste are programmed AND follow without question - the crossing of the river after 4 months of walk and dying along the way... that's life

signs of comfort??

This morning, I came to think of how I come back home, spend time in front of the TV and internet.
I do not blink twice to even think of what I need to do if I stop doing this waste of time activity.

I need to get a plan in place once I am back home.

I need to:

- have clothes ironed for the next day;

- see the house has sufficient supplies of everything needed to run without having to run out every one or two days to buy things

- see the finance related items are tracked once every month – identify a day to focus on bank tasks, and one day on investment tracking

- discuss Indore issues weekly and see alternatives for that

o construction funding

o health checkup schedules

- monitor health, identify good doctors around, talk to Rachana

- identify a good financial planner to monitor insurance needs, investment plans

- plan for pre-payment of loan, set aside funds every month for that

- read Read READ and Study rather than TV and internet

be focused and use time effectively despite the travel

do all this with the work pressure that is likely to be on for a long time – if I need to maintain the financial situation I am in;

improvement of this situation is a different aspect altogether which needs a different strategy which I have not thought about yet…

bujju called last night but Since I had a nature call, didn’t spend time with her.. she was feeling disappointed…I felt

somewhere inside, today I felt that I should not worry too much about the work. I should just understand the key areas I have to focus on and take the rest as they come along

Kaushik seems to be a trustworthy guy but one never knows.. have to understand how I can get all the info I need, and what would be the right questions to ask…

I hope I will be able to pick the right areas soon… and go with a positive approach!!!

So help me – good forces!!!

spoke to bujju about the doctor's visit. bujju has been told that she should have felt some movement, and that this was just the beginning of the 18th week, so the doctor suggested to wait for another week for the movement to be felt. Seems that the doctor might be taking some casual approach or maybe she is buying time to tell her observations.. can't be sure what... I for myself based on the calc. tool of pregnency seem to conclude this is the 18th week.. considering 19th Dec to be the date of conception.. but i will have to re-visit this and find out what is more accurate..

based on what she told, me I think bujju has this notion that - which might be very valid too for I Am not aware of the reasons nor the custom/logic of the notion - pregnant mothers do not travel in the even number months...

this notion coupled with the doctor's advice seemed to have put her into a different thought process of maybe delaying her travel.. but hope she does not get perturbed by this thought process of what the doctor suggested.. esp. because the doctor adviced she would feel some movement which she has not.. so maybe she feels a little concerned...

but she definitely likes to take my advice on things and I seem to most often rebutt her approach... which is not what I should do.. she tells me things as they are and I seem to just take them for granted instead of giving her sufficient benefit of doubt... CHAnGE THIS ATTITUDE

my whole thinking goes with the fact that she should be able to take some decisions on her own.. for she should know what would work best for everyone.. she will have to be given those options to think ahead in time and plan accordingly... have asked her to discuss with Amma and see what would be the best option.. hoping that travel will not be an issue at all .. will wait for my next call with her and see how to work this out...