coming home baby

I begin my journey today... towards welcoming a new life..
a life I had been waiting for - well waiting for?? - all these months..
since Jan 15th when chinnu went to Berhampur till Sept 15th when we will be in a new role...
life has been one hell of a set of same old shit different day only peppered by the wait.. the moments of mental thought pressure that bujju has been going through and what I have been going through here as part of my role, my self, my thought sets which in a way were pulling me back.. making me see the negatives.. but not able to think what positives would neutrilize them

all these came went we have survived...
amma even went into a cataract operation 2 days back, on 28th.. i didn't capture that here...
but yes she went in, with LAkshmi pinni around the house, doing her duty of a younger sister, reluctantly more so I think...

i have always been thinking amma and bujju will be able to get along well...
but that has not come through.. more fire in the background there...

and yet I didn't change my daily night sessions ...
back home
on the laptop to update expenses
and then switch the router on and stay there put till 1AM

pathetic...


then the guilt as i hit the bed and then praying for all to be ok praying to bajrangbali and ganapati baba and all the other forces to keep my amma pappa bujju bubbu and lately... shanu safe and happy...
thats all i want but then i have this longing to be with amma and pappa but unfortunately the pressure bujju has experienced there...
last 2 days i have been thinking why this is happening...

all this impacts the new baby getting in here....
i don't know how to welcome the baby
no thought gone into doing up the house
no thought about how to handle the delivery process
no thought about what all are needed for the baby..
no discussion no advice from amma and pappa.. they will have their own opinions later on accusingly more often than not
all i had been doing is sit on the net and browse.. no planning nothing...
and since last week, with work pressure mounting..more no-planning..
just wallowing in self pity!!!
except one step to spend 10K towards financial planning... I am just hoping that one goes through well... lets hope that gives me some peace of mind!!!! please~!

and the baby might have already imbibed all those thoughts of bujju to some extent... the pressure, the negativities, the sadness, the hunger pangs and the repressed feelings to break free and anger...
.. already found underweight as per the doc by about 250 gms. but still normal within the range as per our genetics, was in breech position till 37th week, and last 2 weeks seem some change in position..
bujju's high blood sugar and the subsequent treatment
the water quality being consumed..
and the doctor's final verdict tomorrow.. 31st Sept ..

so many things... one small life.. coming in with some of its own destiny.. designed by us!!!

i am begining my journey today to welcome this bundle... with my own set of fears and limitations and holdups!!! so help me god!