another peek at life

Over the last few days I am back to my routine in Bombay..Internet.. TV… and then sleeping

The thought of studying is making me nervous..More so because I am fearing inside that I won’t remember anything and I will not understand everything

My patience levels are running out … and I fear more.than before...

I need a break from this fear and the only way for that is to identify all that I fear and tackle them each one by one.

I don’t want to transmit this fear to the new life coming up… and I need a solution for this at the earliest. Maybe the visit to the psychologist is a need….

Bujju went to the doctor today.. and said she saw the face of the baby.. that’s an amazing thing. I wish I was also there and was able to share the moment with her.

She says the baby looked like the face of the poster baby we have… that’s an interesting thought… :> how the mind seeks such signs to think everything is well and good…

The doc has said that everything is fine with the baby and the brain development is also good… - that amma was concerned about – but I am not sure how the brain development is possible to see via a sonography…

But there are issues that bother me otherwise too.. there is severe water shortage in our house.. drinking water. Indore is turning into a messy place but unfortunately, the place is such that we have decided to live there for good… well Amma in a way didn’t but papa went ahead – with our silent agreement – to build a house, to ensure we all lived with him. He never thought of the way the future might turn out to be.. and in a way I am also turning out to be like that I am afraid.

Ok, let me use this platform to list out my fears

I am not thinking of the future of our life in terms of

• where to settle down,
• how to fend for kids education and future
• how to manage retirement
• what I should do after retirement so that I don’t end up with no income at all
• what do I do if I am not into IT
• what are the alternative professions I should look for and soon

there are so many more to write but my patience is running out...

there is a huge state of confusion and I need to get some grip on where to start from. I have taken the appointment with the psychologist. It’s a practice that they would eventually pass the buck back to me but let me try at least…

watched the play Chanakya yesterday. Another of those social outings that kept me tongue tied and didn’t get me to explore the deeper meanings of human interactions.

Dadar flat is to undergo renovation and that's another incident that made me go there this weekend. to take pictures of the flat the way it is today.. for tomorrow that birth place of mine will have changed into something totally different...

signs of comfort??

This morning, I came to think of how I come back home, spend time in front of the TV and internet.
I do not blink twice to even think of what I need to do if I stop doing this waste of time activity.

I need to get a plan in place once I am back home.

I need to:

- have clothes ironed for the next day;

- see the house has sufficient supplies of everything needed to run without having to run out every one or two days to buy things

- see the finance related items are tracked once every month – identify a day to focus on bank tasks, and one day on investment tracking

- discuss Indore issues weekly and see alternatives for that

o construction funding

o health checkup schedules

- monitor health, identify good doctors around, talk to Rachana

- identify a good financial planner to monitor insurance needs, investment plans

- plan for pre-payment of loan, set aside funds every month for that

- read Read READ and Study rather than TV and internet

be focused and use time effectively despite the travel

do all this with the work pressure that is likely to be on for a long time – if I need to maintain the financial situation I am in;

improvement of this situation is a different aspect altogether which needs a different strategy which I have not thought about yet…

bujju called last night but Since I had a nature call, didn’t spend time with her.. she was feeling disappointed…I felt

somewhere inside, today I felt that I should not worry too much about the work. I should just understand the key areas I have to focus on and take the rest as they come along

Kaushik seems to be a trustworthy guy but one never knows.. have to understand how I can get all the info I need, and what would be the right questions to ask…

I hope I will be able to pick the right areas soon… and go with a positive approach!!!

So help me – good forces!!!

spoke to bujju about the doctor's visit. bujju has been told that she should have felt some movement, and that this was just the beginning of the 18th week, so the doctor suggested to wait for another week for the movement to be felt. Seems that the doctor might be taking some casual approach or maybe she is buying time to tell her observations.. can't be sure what... I for myself based on the calc. tool of pregnency seem to conclude this is the 18th week.. considering 19th Dec to be the date of conception.. but i will have to re-visit this and find out what is more accurate..

based on what she told, me I think bujju has this notion that - which might be very valid too for I Am not aware of the reasons nor the custom/logic of the notion - pregnant mothers do not travel in the even number months...

this notion coupled with the doctor's advice seemed to have put her into a different thought process of maybe delaying her travel.. but hope she does not get perturbed by this thought process of what the doctor suggested.. esp. because the doctor adviced she would feel some movement which she has not.. so maybe she feels a little concerned...

but she definitely likes to take my advice on things and I seem to most often rebutt her approach... which is not what I should do.. she tells me things as they are and I seem to just take them for granted instead of giving her sufficient benefit of doubt... CHAnGE THIS ATTITUDE

my whole thinking goes with the fact that she should be able to take some decisions on her own.. for she should know what would work best for everyone.. she will have to be given those options to think ahead in time and plan accordingly... have asked her to discuss with Amma and see what would be the best option.. hoping that travel will not be an issue at all .. will wait for my next call with her and see how to work this out...

email post 1

I am hoping from today, the email posting will help me write in whenever want to… without forgetting to log in and write esp. ‘cos work seems to be of a very different nature now

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I am always using the word ‘hoping to’, ‘thinking of’, ‘want to’ but never have I been always ‘doing’ and ‘being’ what I want to do and be

I am changing that from now.

I am positive that I will work towards my MBA successfully

I am positive that I will manage work and schedules and will still have time on hand

I will not crib about difficult things but find a way to circumvent it

I will work smarter which should help me getting the most work done in the least time.

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Reading about economics in the study material brought out the ‘moral and ethical’ business practices vs. the economic practices – so based on that material it is clear that profits are always going to be the key for private organizations in a mixed economy while what the government does in a mixed economy SHOULD be for the public good which DOES NOT seem to be the case with our government.

So the cribbing I did about how the private players are not focusing on actual customer service but are only playing for profits is theoretically correct on their part.

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Bujju might be readying herself for mother-in-law’s birthday on 18^th! Will ask what her plans are.

The baby is 18 weeks.. 148 more days to go as per the dates I calculated.. I am still hoping 09 09 09 would be realized albeit it might be a little too far fetched for me to think of it without a doctor telling me the suitable period.

Even 18 09 09 should be fine for that will be a gift to Amma Pappa for their anniversary!

I pray to the good forces to keep everyone safe and healthy and happy and I will make things such with better planning…

-via email