catching up.. in parts

there is much to write about.
been very lax at updating myself on the events.. since I last went home in June. and now it's almost Jul end and I have not been there. nor online here
lots of events happened in this time.. not in any particular order but what i was impacted by were
a. Michael Jackson dies.. 26th June 09 I think

b. rains are very late in India, Bombay, Indore.. it started since 10th Jul almost.. 14th to actually start pouring.

c. water cuts started in bombay, i was at one point in time wondering what happens if there is no rain this time.. and it was a scary thought... was updating FB with my thoughts then

d. amma and bujju are not getting along well so I think.. or feel and hear.. part of it is bujju too but being the senior, amma has a bigger part to play in this..
i remember, last time when i was there, in June, I watched amma give bujju that look.. when she was eating.. and the way she talks sarcastically with her.. not sure why this is happening what are the insecurities she has.. but the situation for bujju could not be any better...
her situation impacts the baby in her.. and i am just hoping of all hopes that the emotional fear inside her does not take any indirect impacts on the baby

amma is totally not reasonable i think. she still considers her own ways to be perfect and without flaw and she thinks everyone else is not upto her mark..
she has kept this equation in her favor for pappa does not have any other choice but then they have not resolved their behaviour problems as I see them either

e. Shanu called, had a talk with him, on his 35th birthday...
boy has he also not grown....

he said how he feels about the guilt he has been going through of all the past we have been through.
he said it openly, that he cried when he thought and realised how he had been sarcastic in his comments in the past, and how he wish he didn't say them
but i didn't tell him how bad even i felt and how even i have cried thinking about how i treated him.. all because of lack of knowledge of the impact of my behavior then.. but then maybe he will come back and live in India for whatever time he feels like.. and I hope sure he will come soon. .. for he is very much missed here

and he was commenting about how I did not tell him about bujju and the baby.. for which I had no answer bt I wanted to surprise him.. but amma didn't think it was worth the surprise

f. dadar house is on the block.. to be pulled down but the 5 brothers are fighting it out.. for the eldest one wants his share in the house...
another of the topics i discussed with shanu... and also how shruti acted up when she was here... courtesyless person.. psychology student..
big deal

g. work has been sucking me in some form.. there have been no concrete work but excel sheet updates continuously..
no skil improvement
my MBA is suffering BIG TIME and I Am BEING VERY IRRESPONSIBLE ABOUT IT..
as soon as i am back, i get online and stay here for ever...
I hate it when I get to bed late, and ask Bajrangbali to help me but I am not helping myself...
I am hating myself for this but I am not able to get down to fixing up my mind either and focusing on the studies... and now I have only 15 days left for the exam
4 months!!!!! just gone and I studied NIL!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am hating myself not enough to correct myself...
I used to brag about all these teachings of Stephen Covey, delayed gratification and all.. and here I am, just the anti of what I used to believe and practice so often till 2004...
is it age? it is marriage? actually I think it is this insecurity of the future, about wasting my past not saving enough, and carrying it into my present..
screwing up my present too..
God!! I need help to stop this and plan things quick and implement them quicker.. please HELP!!!

h. paid off 1.2 lac for home loan
8.75 still pending, and i need to get into a better state to pay that off sooner... somehow
have finally decided to get it on with the financial planner but she too is in her own world, and I am not mustering enough courage to get myself into a shape to talkto her and get started with it.
markets are see sawing and I am clueless how I am to use the money I have for now, and the future
have so many pending things that being online, I end up doing nothing about it...
- home makeover
- vehicle purchase
- Indore repair overseeing
- Amma's operation
- Pappa's health checkup - shoes and hearing aid
- SHCIL demat conversion
- Tanishq
- baby's upcoming functions and I am scared to think of these either for I don't want to mess up things; and i am feeling embarassed about how i will conduct these in the first place; i don't know why but this is how i have been and i need to CHANGE
I keep lecturing bujju to change herself.. but where am I!!!
- this house seems small with the baby in, will need to keep a bai for her, will need to have someone cook, and all that, where do I get the money for all this... and what will happen to my savings and all.. that's what is worrying me.. and i am not doing anything about it but just sitting numb.. online
idiot!!
- clothes to buy
- sofa to buy
- dining table and computer table to buy

so many things... so much wastage of time!!!

i. today bujju said that the doctor mentioned the baby is a very active one.. happy thought.. but scared too in a way .. what will the baby turn out to be.. interesting times these..
bujju had been off and on worried about her swellings in the leg and fingers but it is just anxiety of a new mom... and she probably understands that but I get worried
the baby has been kicking... since my last June visit.. and this time, when I go on 19th, it might be a real feeling for me too...
wow!!!! I can't wait to talk to the baby.. and hope some kind of gyan to filter into it's developing brain... watched some NatGeo series on womb development.. some amazing nature that is
it's week 30 of the baby!!!
10 more weeks to go!!!!!!!!! and life will never be the same again

if bubbu reads these later in life... what will (s)he think??

j. we have been thinking up names. I have been writing emails to bujju from office so that could be used in this blog for the periods i have missed writing..
but yes, names are now making rounds and I need to ask Pappa and amma also about this and see what they think

k. Mohan Pothan's house was attacked... I was shocked
there are SMS's from pappa which i need to blog about.. date wise.. soon

l. Pranjal's China project got a bad jerk.. seems he was cheated by the chinese guy...
he plans to sell off his plant now and focus on the construction area... lets hope he does better this time around
Pramod Sahu has been suddenly getting a little curious...
sticky ....

more to come
more to come...

change in work

The day began with training - cross cultural sensitivity..
it ended with the note that my work of transition needs to be stopped...
in a way.. i feel happy
in a way.. i feel it might all work out in the end for me to be with the baby when it comes along...
but i am just counting on my stars now for that to happen

bujju has been trying to keep things going - with the limited manoeuvrability she has, she has been keeping the engine rolling.. i sometimes feel that I am being overprotective - lest there is some problem and I will have to shell out loads of money to get the issue resolved.. my complete approach is from the expenses perspective and that is what is keeping me so tied down to not venturing out and do things - do new things - do things differently...

i get to talk to the baby every day morning and evening... bujju acts so cutish when she talks to the baby posters... i simply love the childlike thoughts she has and her tone and at some level, though she knows she is that, she also possesses that maturity that I don't see much of.. she acts childlike but she definitely knows when to cut the crap and get to serious business..

i am hoping of all hopes that I am able to work from Indore during the months of Aug end to Sept end... so help me God!!!

the baby is in the 20th week.. and I am confused.. sometime last week also it was the 20th week.. the calculation shows this should be the 21st...
and that is a huge thing.. there is listening ability coming up soon and sensations will begin to flow in too... nature has this amazing creative power that I totally totally bow down to...
may the good forces be with the baby!!!

bal vaakyam daiva vaakyam!!! - bujju told me this day before yesterday.. she knows much.. the information comes out as needed..
she has this amazing fascination for the devi jatra that happens till Kartik Ekadasi year.. I need to write more about this in time..

for the baby, from my side, i want a mix bringing up of traditional culture and the current 'care-two-hoots' culture but I myself am not so connected with the traditional culture.. so I need to work on that.. and will need to ask bujju about how she wants to bring up the baby...
should be a very balanced mix and I hope I will be able to do justice to my own role
I want the baby to live with Amma Pappa and at least feel that companionship and also with the other elders in the family so that there is some essence that gets transferred.. but time shall only tell..

Weekend of unity

The last day of this long weekend...
spent time again in domestic chores.. and no studies.. people would have cracked all their study material in this time.. but here I am
don't know why I am not able to focus on important things..

there was a dilemma in going or not going to Indore.. esp. because I thought I need to spend some time with the growing baby ball.... but then for that I should have planned things well in advance.
Now I can only but rue that I am not getting the time I need to be with bujji in this stage...

there is much to write.. esp. what thoughts we have for the baby now and how this might impact the child later in the future... who knows how much of those thoughts I will remember.. trust she will but then.. the essence of the thought and the fun element will be lost ...

so it is that capture of thoughts that I want to put here... who knows if this will be read at all.. again by me or anyone..
I wrote so much on Xanga.. I don't even read that now.. though Ido want to...
information overload!!!! it's spinning my head.

figured this morning that the Tatkal quota for 8th May is over... how pathetic of me to not figure out that in summer, people will book early and that there is limited quota... If I wanted to be there for Amma's birthday.. it didn't happen this time at least... thanks to my lazyness...
surely, I have the will but a very weak will power to make things happen....
change!!!!

united weekend

Finally the long weekend arrived and it is already the 3rd day of it...
30th was voting day... I voted - for the 1st time in life!!!! after that Voter ID drive way back in 1990-1991
1st - Mayday!! labor day.. state holiday or national holiday.. one of them though nowadays people don't know if it is only a state holiday or a national one... everyone has become so narrowly focused.. the call center girl of IDBI said it is a Maharashtra holiday... even I have lost sense of the days... too bad to be such an absent minded guy...

Have been thinking of spending time with the baby but it never just happening in a way I thought it should.
I am not making time for the baby specifically.. and that I should in the next 5 days..
I want bujju to stay here with me for some days but also the checkup is important..
so she will have to go there but amma says I should not get her to travel so often.. so maybe I will have to keep visiting her oftener taking leave from work!

I have this concern for Bujji because she's feeling or acting scared of things.. which she should be able to handle with time
but for some reason, we get lost in our interactions so much that we just lose out on time and key thoughts to work on... it's this tendency to laze around that is kicking me and her most of the times and we are just not making up for lost time...
she is upset and rues that we didn't have sufficient interfacing in the last 3 years which even i would agree with.. we didn't. even when we are living on our own!!
There is much I thought of writing in this post, but nowadays I am writing because I want to leave a trail of thoughts we have been through.. not so much "we" 'cos I am not able to have bujji's thoughts in place as she expresses them but she has some interesting observations which make me wonder... how sharp the mind can be to be able to observe things with such minute detail and 'remember' them ...
i am happy for her being!! may she and our future be blessed...

Back with the baby

The weekend was a whirlwind.. and finally.. I am with my bujju.. and the baby.
Left on friday by Hussainsagar express at 2150 or Hyd and started back the next night at 2200 by the Hyd DDR holiday special.. with my precious...
The return journey was hellish in the last phase.. .from the time, almost around noon.. after Daund, the heat literally beat down on us.. the trip down the hills after Pune was unbearable.. esp. because we were in the sleeper class...

The train schedule was so odd that we missed the lunch time while at Pune, there was no other lunch option..
reaching Dadar at 330pm, with a heated head and dried throat, with nothing else to eat, we landed at home around 5 pm..
with a short re-union ritual which got us both sleeping at 930pm, it also got me mad that we lost precious time

Final weekend

Finally, the week of meeting comes along.. will meet my sweety soon...
weekend was spent getting some house work.. didn't study as usual.. have to HAVE TO

met up with the GSTI gang of yesteryears.. at Powai... thanks to Subrat, met with Somdev, Ashwin, Deepak Agarwal, Vishvesh and Sameer.

upset bujju today scolding her.. but she does not understand sometimes..or maybe chooses not to

bought a puzzle for Avani. Hope she will like it and will use it.
somewhere i thought that all this gifting will make those people think I am like going to be the perpetual giver for them.. some expectations I need to limit up.. and I hope to be more careful in trying to understand all these aspects... and act accordingly... 'cos the woman will want to show off to her people and will approach me to do that..

politically correct writing is more important keeping future in mind..

figured out my asset/liability breakup.. roughly and I hope I will be able to correct the spendings on
a. insurance- this has to be a term insurance and reduce the rest. have spent 7.8 lac already on premium.. try to surrender and get the rest back for future investment
b. monthly expenses - reduce this specifically.. phone

got the HLN stuff for the next few months and also to lend to the Hyd people. that's another set of expense I need to revert back by making them members... hope to do this on 25th itself.

interestingly, today I was able to buy the tickets for 24th.. LUCKiLY..
I thought the bookings will open tomorrow but apparently, on 19th, they would have opened for 24th - 5 days from today.. so luckily, was able to buy tatkal, paying 482/- bucks for a 330/- ticket... what a bunch of cheats the railways have become...

watched Animal Planet -the Masai Mara scavenger series, the Wildebeeste river crossing and the feeding event.. an awesome spectacle of Nature which could not have been caught in any better way than the way it was presented... an annual feeding ritual for the crocs, the vultures, the herons, and all other scavengers which 'plan and prepare' for this event of the year, waiting an easy capture... all towards satisfying one simple natural need... hunger.
life's cruel when you look at all this.. but that's what is life.. we have to learn to get over it and do what we have to do.. just as the Wildebeeste are programmed AND follow without question - the crossing of the river after 4 months of walk and dying along the way... that's life

Expensive...

.. month..
phone bills this month will be expensive ... off my own folly yet I am not taking up anything to do something about it...

internet.. - need to trim the plan
phone... again spent about an expensive hour... just for some vicarious P!!! bulll crap that I am dishing out! - some alternative to Reliance and the landline

money spent with no utility value.. while the rest of the world is forging ahead.. in career and life
i am languishing
--
elections start in Maharashtra today and also in Orissa
bujju said she'd go to the doc and then go vote.. hope both get done soon...

my official calls start from today

Work call

Work call happened at 630pm today.. confusing but it seems there is a lot to work on once I get started... performance will be measured based on the delivery dates being met...
tight deal but I hope I understand things quickly

time spent on this + studies and on home front... needs to be planned

Pranjal passed MBA with 61%.. if he is able to do things.. why can't i.. - just 'cos I am online all night...

got electoral rolls list.. name's in it.. but then ID card not arrived yet.

Historic Monday

Tech Mahindra won over the Satyam financial bid at 58/share
Now this is good news or bad.. I don't know but it is a historic news

The results of this will come forth later but till then I need to work towards my goals...

Other events came forth which have made me mad at myself again but I just don't seem to correct things through a change in my behavior.

a. the MBA study material came over today as my project starts tomorrow... what a waste of time I did.. that I have not been able to utilize the last one year and now everything is all coming at the same time

b. I have wasted almost $129 towards PMI membership and have taken nothing in return... what a waste of money almost Rs. 45000

c. Got a little involved in Pranjal's stake of getting some suply of Mango pulp for his export. But then, didn't really put in enough into it since I didn't have a clue how this whole thing will work for me.

I am absolutely not using my given resources to think for the better of my future... I probably am not fit for this but I am not sure what is the way I have ahead to do something different...
the perceived need for money stops me from taking any steps towards anywhere... for fearing I will lose the money I am getting in my hand.. but then I am such..

just need to focus on the task on hand they say, but then what about the pending things I have created for myself????
books in Indore, the construction work to be done there.. how to pay for that???

Bujju seemed to have got her hands on some pregnancy book and it seemed to have caught her fancy... well good for her, she will learn something interesting about the whole process...

Got a ticket booked for 8th May for Indore.. WL31 and I am told it will not be confirmed... so it seems a tight chance and I will have to go again and get a TatKal ticket... on 3rd May!!!

Long Weekend

As the weekend wears away, I seem to have done some benefitial work this time I think.
at least got the 8 novels advertised and found people who might be willing to take them - for free.
left them at Venkat's place last night where I spent 7 hours - copying the movies he has downloaded... some daring ones...

also got done the floor cleaning, though the strip to embed the phone wire and cable wire is still pending.
Also didn't get around to buying a table. Will need a electric surge strip once I get the table.

NO STUDIES AT ALL

today went to Jayant's new office.. a place I would have been wanting to go for the last 1 year... time has really flown away from me....

also managed to replace the mop with a small stool and a board for keeping track of schedules and work

Bujju went for her ultrasound scan today. I am quite impatient to see how the images are coming around.. She seemed a little disturbed but I hope everything will be fine..

got the PRD submitted today. I am just not expecting anything from the company any more..
in fact, the other twist in the tale is the project Pranjal has got into.
The Chinese import order has him high.. and he is asking me to get on to the bandwagon.. a ploy he uses to inspires people but then who knows.. if it is something I can do.. I should be able to get back home

Yesterday saw Mr. G N Aiyar at Raju's residence location.
I wanted to go meet him but then I Realised.. if those people are not even bothered to talk to pappa, why should I even want to interfere in their lives?
Pappa has been totally ignored by them.. but Pappa wants to keep the bridges on.. just like I would want to but that is what makes us so very foolish that we don't focus on things which are more important to maintain our social status.
Didn't really sleep well last night thinking about this...
Also, when I spoke to Shanu last night, felt very disconnected from him the way he went about explaining what his plans were..
I believe once he has found his life, he would not look twice back... He has found a partner, he has a job, and he knows where he wants to go next.
Probably he doesn't want to keep his bridges with any of us.. but then that's something he has to be specific about. Maybe he thinks that just by calling up once or twice a month, the bridge will be kept alive...
he has been talking about a lot of things.. but I guess he has totally got involved in his life there..
don't know why Amma and Pappa have been given this kind of a situation.. but I am sad for them.. which is why I am myself not able to focus on my life and work...

don't know where all this will lead to... for them and me...

Thursday decided the fate

Of all hopes, that of work starting finally on 14th is here.
Got a call set up with the DM HUB for Tuesday 630pm to 730 pm which will eventually propel me into the work force and I will have to start my battles now...

hate the late timing but I guess I will have to work my way around now!!!
have to also get my leave plans in place for everyone to know!

and had an interesting phone tete-a-tete with some interesting fantas... wish the charges were not that much to talk long distance!!! paying through my nose..

Final Thursday

Not much happened on Thursday
I ended up going to J J Mehta and got a new ENEL1 replacing the old one..
and got Tissot set up.. paid 150/- for the cell

travel killed the day! 2 hrs to get from Dadar to Office and 3 hrs from Office home...

what is happening to this city.. people are tolerating everything.
the place will be hellier soon..

I need to get out of here for the betterment of myself and all those with me

Week ruled out

With Good Friday around and Monday being a holiday in UK, my work starts from Tuesday next...
Interesting that I am getting so much time but not making any use of it...
I am still not sure how I could make use of my time when I am so far away in office from where I would want to go and meet people..

the office location is the big pain factor..

but I am praying and hoping that things must ease out for me to be able to work from Indore...

Got an appraisal discussion.. disappointed with the way it was conducted but today, given the way things have turned out .. better to accept whatever is coming along....
MBA and Sanskrit and PMP are on the agenda but when.. is a big question

Tentative Tuesday

I am waiting with bated breath to start off with the handover.. trying to internally figure out how I will have to deal with the work that will come my way.

Some pointers I had earlier were to be able to influence people and negotiate things with them. Now in my world where I shy away from meeting people, I wonder how I will be in a position to work on the above two factors.

At the end of the day, there is always an escape route they say... every Chakravyuha can be exited if one is willing to live with the consequences of exiting it without a fight.. Am I ready for it??

will I be able to share this meassage - that I want to quit this Chakravyuha because I was never meant to be in it but that I should have been elsewhere doing something else, of which I don't know - with the people who matter to me?
So far I have not attempted enough to share this with my parents. It is too late now to share this with them.. for we are all living in the fear that we will lose our financial freedom, of whatever we have now if I change my tracks.

Will I be able to share it with my kids? My wife probably will understand what I mean but not within the context I would say for my context is too huge at times... all the time actually.. but regarding this specific fear of economic/financial bond that I am tied to, I am sure she understands with not much of a solution that she can think of.

I for one, have to expand my thought process which I realise now is very very narrow. I am not thinking beyond a lot of things, and I believe that is what is keeping me back... from doing what I want to do, fighting in the Chakravyuha that I really would enjoy fighting in...

How do I do this expansion of thinking? of getting over my fear??? who do I ask?
What message do I send to the one who is coming along?

Today - Wednesday 080409, on my way to work, again I fell into this trap of fear... what if in Sept, I don't get to go home because of some or the other issue with work schedule? How do I cope with this?
I don't have answers now... I am not out of that trap yet

Work kick off

Had a con call starting the transition
my counterpart.. apparently is on leave?!!
i heard nothing from him nor with anyone else around about his presence

they will blame me if I don't raise this issue that he is not available...

on the call they discussed how TechM is taking over work from all vendors and that this will call for very high level of work involvement and people have to be prepared for it.. and by 31st May one has to be totally ready for doing things independently...

i pray for help from my senses and health and my self confidence to be able to take this up positively and also be able to work on my other priorities...
so help me God!!

got the news about the tickets being booked from BAM - HYD and with a break journey for bujju to CSTM but with a messup that the break journey ticket got booked for both bro and sis...

apparently, the agent screwed and though I should not have, I shouted at her for not planning things properly... felt bad after I did so...

Final Sunday rest

The final sunday passed with apprehension about what is to unfold from tomorrow..
The transition plan begins tomorrow
The main problem for me is the inability to say No.. which kind of leads me to take on everything without planning for my other tasks.
I need to keep track of my tasks and I need to plan my days accordingly and inform people of any such events. This is the only way I think I could tide over the issue of my apprehensions.

Need to plan for travel on 24th Apr. and then sometime around May 8th.
Hoping of all hopes that things will be carried out smoothly.

Sunday passed with other house work. Met up with Atul Gulati at Goregaon market and did some ad hoc shopping for the house. Planned to get out to give the old novels away but it seems they are to remain in the house for some more time. Could not go to Dadar for the Tissot watch repair also.

India is playing NZ in their 3rd and final test match and this seems to be a historic win for India in their series - after 41 years.

Not sure how the baby is going to take all this.. Hope I am able to work on the future tasks with more efficiency and more patience and planning.

hot bothering Sunday

Pest control contract restarted..
Sweaty and totally swamped sunday

kept on wondering how I will be able to get working with the new assignment on Monday and also ensure rest of my work does not suffer...
going back in time to the early 2006 when I Was working on MBPT/BACE - used to return back late.. and get to sleep.. there was no TV and no internet then...

somehow, will have to ensure that I don't work beyond 8 hrs...
my worrying will have to stop and get translated into action
and these late nights might take a hit...

ssdd

now i am losing time and patience more so...
this week we were to start work.. didn't happen
in a way i was happy that i will get time to prepare..
but prepare crap I did..
wasted time again online.. and like last night.. was trying to get into a vicarious situation for which I am paying through my nose...
and then this pain in the temples.. as though something hit me there.. i hit my head on the headboard last night ... didn't sleep well at all.. and my left eyelid is also weak.. doesn't open when i force my eyes shut.. needs a lot of rest. i have not been sleeping well at all!!!!

this has to either stop or the calls will have to originate from there which they do but don't last long enough
I am also losing time on the PMP preparation. I might as well go for it now.. but again... i am riddled with this nonsensical fear that I will not be able to catch up and study

i tried to encourage myself that since Pranjal was able to study while working, with 2 kids at home, why am I so lousy in this aspect?
the response is that I am too weak to control my senses and my sense of self control seems to be waning because I am not putting in the effort to strengthen it

it is me who is the culprit yet I am not taking any action on this!!! till when?
I know I will regret my decisions now later... yet I am not tightening my belt!!
is the condition of my house a reason? possible... maybe if I rearrange things a bit, it might be better and might show me the change I need...

basically I need a study table...

Bujju finally booked the tickets for 22nd.. and I need to book mine for the 24th to reach Hyd on 25th...

it has been very hot till last evening.. today was a little better..
the anti-termite work got over yesterday evening at Indore...
the anti cockroach treatment seemed to have brought out very little cockroaches as Amma said... maybe there is some other way they have escaped?!!!
nevertheless, the termite protection needs to work and hopefully the mound needs to move away...

moving forward

As weeks pass, we are coming closer to the day of reckoning...
Today was another slow day, though got to attend one call and it seemed to me that apparently, the manager is leaving everything on me to take up and go with the flow as work turns on me...
I don't see any specific help from him, and he I believe is watching my moves.. and how I take things on..
We are officially supposed to launch tomorrow.. and till 630pm, there is no word of a call tomorrow for the kick off.. not sure what is happening.

Bujju in the meantime has made her move.. she starts for hyd on 22nd Apr. and we discussed today the next travel date to Bombay.. for 25th or 26th as the tickets get available..
she seems to see the pinch in the pocket for her brother since he is spending on almost everything since she went there, for her tests, medicines.. and given his position at work, it could be a tall order.. but then.. that's probably the best they could do.

don't want to take too many off days from work now, to spare this for later.. and I hope I can get that time out soon.
Sent out my MBA form yesterday, and hoping to get started soon.. have to get very serious about every moment from Apr 1st that was what I had decided.. no more online internet in the evenings... except for checking mails - strictly.

I have not watched TV in almost about 10 days.

Bujju will need to do some work when we are back in Bombay, esp. with the heat catching up on us.. it's very hot in the noon and I am very concerned how she can manage alone at home.
maybe we have to try the wet bedsheet technique so that we get some cooler air into the house.... will have to play it as it comes...

Dawn of work

One full year that I have been officially out of a project.
And from Monday, work starts...

now one year is a huge time gap... and a huge gain or loss depending on what has been achieved. At the economic front I achieved nothing. On the family front, additional responsibility... in one year, nothing else at all...
that's a huge waste of my time and energy.. all that was spent online in the evenings, doing nothing but shaggin off to videos and chats...

where do I account for this in my life in the future. how can I say that I really did make any meaningful progress in life in the last 3 years, of which the last 1 year was the most taunting, most whiled away time.. achieving close to 0 progress in life...
no car
no renter for the garage
no purchases in the house
no meaningful investment that I can expect to give me returns in life.

what did I do than just give in to my vicarious pleasures???? at the cost of loss of time, respect and knowledge..

i can't do anything now but ensure the future is not like this... which I believe will depend on how I take the time on from today. today, had this discussion about the way forward from Monday when I will be taking over some role from someone of Virtusa..
I am just apprehensive about my leave part though I think I need to show a cool face and keep a cool attitude to avoid giving into 'emotions'
Have to chalk out a plan for the Indore work financing etc. for the first floor roofing and maybe if possible, buying the plot next door.. but as Amma said, we don't take decisions and don't take decisions come what may to move forward...
As Sameer also said today, moving forward is the only way, for which some steps will have to be taken today.. and I think I am becoming more and more like Pappa who now shows no interest in taking any decisions.. mainly because of the funds issue..

how we get enslaved by inadequacies... that money places on our minds...
managing money is like managing time.. and I need to learn both soon..

Bujju unleashed the April's day quite creatively this morning... telling me that she booked of return tickets and then when I called to confirm.. I played right into the joke .. very smart of her

She hopefully should be back with me by the end of the month
I have to clean up my house now or never... move the shelf out of the place by selling off or giving away the books to someone because I myself will never use those books again in my life.. so also goes for the books in Indore..
the baby by the time grows up to talk about books I will never be able to convince to read the older books... but that's one reason.. other one being lack of any kind of space in the house... and again, lack of monetary management skills to get into a bigger house... and the constant nag for me to move back to Indore...

too many of these parameters that I am playing with .. not moving anywhere with them