eventful Tuesday.. and Wednesday

Days are passing by and the pressure on me is increasing...
I am probably creating more internal pressure than I should 'cos in the absence of the right information and also the right trusted contacts that I could speak to to vent it out, I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with what is happening to me right now...
basically, the issues are
a. I am not with my bujju in the times that I probably should be with her.. and that I feel I want to be with her to feel the changes she is going through and be her through it
b. I am not in a position to call for any kind of a decision for my own sake and am totally feeling bound by circumstances.. never before have I felt so bad, though I did feel compelled in the early days when I was in Tata Infotech and I was asked to go onsite at short notice periods. That was a time when I used to feel that my freedom and mu life is getting dictated by things out of my control... but never before have I felt any more forced to be humiliated in a way I feel now...

Given the deep resentment that has engulfed me with this move to Pune, and also seeing the amount of pressure that is getting built on the delivery of the project workload, I am looking at the deep sea and the devil at the same time and finding myself getting squeezed in this fast crunching space....

I am getting more worried about not being able to spend time with Bujji and my new baby... very worried.
What will I tell the baby - that I was not with them in the early years? that my work was more important at that time? or that I was very unmanaged, have been lousy to not being able to ensure that things were kept smooth for myself and the family... I feel ashamed...

The stress signs are now being seen slowly.. hair-fall increase, forgetfulness - these seem to be impacting me but I am sure some of it is my own internal creation for not being in control of my emotions.
More than my internal tention, some people like Midha have been dishing out crap and I decided today after I spoke to him, to keep away from him. For he is probably one of those informers that he keeps talking about, very senselessly, non-sensically.. pointing fingers at others as though he is the shrink who everyone comes and refers to... he is a more pathetic state when he talks, and I need to keep my sanity intact...

on Tuesday, dropped in a mail indicating the reimbursement of payment for my relocation to be given in the next year, but they are not willing to do that either. I am hopelessly disappointed with this kind of an attitude that I would not have expected from a professional organization.

another big disappointment came later in the day when I reached home and found that my landline was disconnected due to non payment of bill.
Pathetically MTNL has a lousy process and they have not re-presented the cheque that bounced because it was presented a day in advance at ICICI.

These days, the different companies are simply squeezing people's lives one way or another and only those who are potentially well connected or have the money power to show off survive and get away with everything.
That's the reality into which my baby is taking shape and life.... I hope things will be better for it in the times to come.

Then today, I found time to figure out a number of the accounts office of MTNL after frantic calling 2-3 numbers that were floating around their web site.
The lady there stated that since my cheque bounced, the line had been disconnected. I had to make a payment by 4pm, and when I had called it was just 330pm. I rushed to the Saki vihar exchange to make this cash payment of Rs. 881/- + Rs. 20/- penalty to get my line back..
which i will have to eventually disconnect or tone down to just a phone with no broadband - in about 10 days.

I am feeling so wretched.. to see my roots being pulled out.. roots I myself was not happy with in a way, but such a violent change.. a big lesson.
Another shake up was to relocate my seating from my airy lighted up Unit 1 2nd floor seat to the dingy light and life less 1st floor... a place I dreaded if ever I was given that location in the beginning, but apparently, now it seems all those things I dread are coming to fruit... which makes me VERY VERY SCARED...

I just pray every day these days... pray for better times now that I have learnt my lesson to be more active in life.. that I had been avoiding for the last 3 years...
God pls. get me back on a stronger base.. with a better life... which I will have to now plan for.