reckoning of sorts

Today was the day when it dawned on me that people, in order to save themselves - what Subhashish called - who drives your boss - will go to any extent and will prefer putting others on the line than considering a little leeway...

So Pramod finally took the call today and went about explaining to me his point of view and how the economy is calling for tough measures and tough decisions for people to make and that for me, to be able to make myself available for the Pune transfer by March is the final verdict on his part... giving me gyan about how his wife was not well and he was out only for 2 days to look after her and had to get back to work now... comparing what I explained to him about my own predicament... how could people be so stupid... this is not being ruthless but being stupid.....

however had a word with the next in line Dhananjay who is the programme director who was also in the same mode of argument that they can't consider a time beyond March for me to be in Mumbai though there, the talk seemed to be a little light and the person was willing to listen, but I now think it is all a game they are playing to save their rear ends... how convenient..

now later in the day today, it struck me that being defiant on a specific stand might not be always right but given my situation, where even my eyes esp. the right one, is feeling a lot of irritation due to Blepharitis.
I am not sure what kind of diet is causing this, but possibly, there are some fats that I am consuming that seems to be causing this, as per a web link. But I need to be careful about this lest this aggravates into something more serious.

so considering the aspect that I won't be in a position to be present for the big day in Sept, or with my sweety during the next few months makes me feel too enraged at my kind of work profile and esp. the spinelessness of the company management for dragging themselves into this situation with the client.
But oh well... the times are trying everyone says....

but I believe I will have to somehow get to play around this and I hope I will be able to stand up to myself by proper planning now.
Had a good 33min talk with chinni on how I lost the last 3 years of my life on the internet and TV, and how I need to reclaim it. She is one hell of a love... simple yet smart and reticent almost bordering on being the shy and fearful personality that fears everything for she is driven - very much like me- by the fear of failure... to the extent that this early fear of failure has now itself become the part of our life and leading us to not trying anything and failing in the very event of trying.

Nevertheless, she listened to me patiently, in her own thoughts how we have brought upon ourselves this situation where even her dreams I could not meet in the first 3 years of our life together... I regret that one aspect and I hope i can make it up to her soon...
also that ... she being in the 2nd month of her carriage and I am not with her... the time when I should be around her to send in some positive signals and try to understand her internal development and her fears/feelings during this time...

time has brought me to this point today that I am feeling lost and not in a position to do what I want to do... unless I take the call to leave it all and live with the consequences later on.....

this is the reckoning of the day... the day that it seems my position was sealed to having to move out of the city ...