I am waiting with bated breath to start off with the handover.. trying to internally figure out how I will have to deal with the work that will come my way.
Some pointers I had earlier were to be able to influence people and negotiate things with them. Now in my world where I shy away from meeting people, I wonder how I will be in a position to work on the above two factors.
At the end of the day, there is always an escape route they say... every Chakravyuha can be exited if one is willing to live with the consequences of exiting it without a fight.. Am I ready for it??
will I be able to share this meassage - that I want to quit this Chakravyuha because I was never meant to be in it but that I should have been elsewhere doing something else, of which I don't know - with the people who matter to me?
So far I have not attempted enough to share this with my parents. It is too late now to share this with them.. for we are all living in the fear that we will lose our financial freedom, of whatever we have now if I change my tracks.
Will I be able to share it with my kids? My wife probably will understand what I mean but not within the context I would say for my context is too huge at times... all the time actually.. but regarding this specific fear of economic/financial bond that I am tied to, I am sure she understands with not much of a solution that she can think of.
I for one, have to expand my thought process which I realise now is very very narrow. I am not thinking beyond a lot of things, and I believe that is what is keeping me back... from doing what I want to do, fighting in the Chakravyuha that I really would enjoy fighting in...
How do I do this expansion of thinking? of getting over my fear??? who do I ask?
What message do I send to the one who is coming along?
Today - Wednesday 080409, on my way to work, again I fell into this trap of fear... what if in Sept, I don't get to go home because of some or the other issue with work schedule? How do I cope with this?
I don't have answers now... I am not out of that trap yet
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Work kick off
Had a con call starting the transition
my counterpart.. apparently is on leave?!!
i heard nothing from him nor with anyone else around about his presence
they will blame me if I don't raise this issue that he is not available...
on the call they discussed how TechM is taking over work from all vendors and that this will call for very high level of work involvement and people have to be prepared for it.. and by 31st May one has to be totally ready for doing things independently...
i pray for help from my senses and health and my self confidence to be able to take this up positively and also be able to work on my other priorities...
so help me God!!
got the news about the tickets being booked from BAM - HYD and with a break journey for bujju to CSTM but with a messup that the break journey ticket got booked for both bro and sis...
apparently, the agent screwed and though I should not have, I shouted at her for not planning things properly... felt bad after I did so...
my counterpart.. apparently is on leave?!!
i heard nothing from him nor with anyone else around about his presence
they will blame me if I don't raise this issue that he is not available...
on the call they discussed how TechM is taking over work from all vendors and that this will call for very high level of work involvement and people have to be prepared for it.. and by 31st May one has to be totally ready for doing things independently...
i pray for help from my senses and health and my self confidence to be able to take this up positively and also be able to work on my other priorities...
so help me God!!
got the news about the tickets being booked from BAM - HYD and with a break journey for bujju to CSTM but with a messup that the break journey ticket got booked for both bro and sis...
apparently, the agent screwed and though I should not have, I shouted at her for not planning things properly... felt bad after I did so...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Final Sunday rest
The final sunday passed with apprehension about what is to unfold from tomorrow..
The transition plan begins tomorrow
The main problem for me is the inability to say No.. which kind of leads me to take on everything without planning for my other tasks.
I need to keep track of my tasks and I need to plan my days accordingly and inform people of any such events. This is the only way I think I could tide over the issue of my apprehensions.
Need to plan for travel on 24th Apr. and then sometime around May 8th.
Hoping of all hopes that things will be carried out smoothly.
Sunday passed with other house work. Met up with Atul Gulati at Goregaon market and did some ad hoc shopping for the house. Planned to get out to give the old novels away but it seems they are to remain in the house for some more time. Could not go to Dadar for the Tissot watch repair also.
India is playing NZ in their 3rd and final test match and this seems to be a historic win for India in their series - after 41 years.
Not sure how the baby is going to take all this.. Hope I am able to work on the future tasks with more efficiency and more patience and planning.
The transition plan begins tomorrow
The main problem for me is the inability to say No.. which kind of leads me to take on everything without planning for my other tasks.
I need to keep track of my tasks and I need to plan my days accordingly and inform people of any such events. This is the only way I think I could tide over the issue of my apprehensions.
Need to plan for travel on 24th Apr. and then sometime around May 8th.
Hoping of all hopes that things will be carried out smoothly.
Sunday passed with other house work. Met up with Atul Gulati at Goregaon market and did some ad hoc shopping for the house. Planned to get out to give the old novels away but it seems they are to remain in the house for some more time. Could not go to Dadar for the Tissot watch repair also.
India is playing NZ in their 3rd and final test match and this seems to be a historic win for India in their series - after 41 years.
Not sure how the baby is going to take all this.. Hope I am able to work on the future tasks with more efficiency and more patience and planning.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
hot bothering Sunday
Pest control contract restarted..
Sweaty and totally swamped sunday
kept on wondering how I will be able to get working with the new assignment on Monday and also ensure rest of my work does not suffer...
going back in time to the early 2006 when I Was working on MBPT/BACE - used to return back late.. and get to sleep.. there was no TV and no internet then...
somehow, will have to ensure that I don't work beyond 8 hrs...
my worrying will have to stop and get translated into action
and these late nights might take a hit...
Sweaty and totally swamped sunday
kept on wondering how I will be able to get working with the new assignment on Monday and also ensure rest of my work does not suffer...
going back in time to the early 2006 when I Was working on MBPT/BACE - used to return back late.. and get to sleep.. there was no TV and no internet then...
somehow, will have to ensure that I don't work beyond 8 hrs...
my worrying will have to stop and get translated into action
and these late nights might take a hit...
Friday, April 3, 2009
ssdd
now i am losing time and patience more so...
this week we were to start work.. didn't happen
in a way i was happy that i will get time to prepare..
but prepare crap I did..
wasted time again online.. and like last night.. was trying to get into a vicarious situation for which I am paying through my nose...
and then this pain in the temples.. as though something hit me there.. i hit my head on the headboard last night ... didn't sleep well at all.. and my left eyelid is also weak.. doesn't open when i force my eyes shut.. needs a lot of rest. i have not been sleeping well at all!!!!
this has to either stop or the calls will have to originate from there which they do but don't last long enough
I am also losing time on the PMP preparation. I might as well go for it now.. but again... i am riddled with this nonsensical fear that I will not be able to catch up and study
i tried to encourage myself that since Pranjal was able to study while working, with 2 kids at home, why am I so lousy in this aspect?
the response is that I am too weak to control my senses and my sense of self control seems to be waning because I am not putting in the effort to strengthen it
it is me who is the culprit yet I am not taking any action on this!!! till when?
I know I will regret my decisions now later... yet I am not tightening my belt!!
is the condition of my house a reason? possible... maybe if I rearrange things a bit, it might be better and might show me the change I need...
basically I need a study table...
Bujju finally booked the tickets for 22nd.. and I need to book mine for the 24th to reach Hyd on 25th...
it has been very hot till last evening.. today was a little better..
the anti-termite work got over yesterday evening at Indore...
the anti cockroach treatment seemed to have brought out very little cockroaches as Amma said... maybe there is some other way they have escaped?!!!
nevertheless, the termite protection needs to work and hopefully the mound needs to move away...
this week we were to start work.. didn't happen
in a way i was happy that i will get time to prepare..
but prepare crap I did..
wasted time again online.. and like last night.. was trying to get into a vicarious situation for which I am paying through my nose...
and then this pain in the temples.. as though something hit me there.. i hit my head on the headboard last night ... didn't sleep well at all.. and my left eyelid is also weak.. doesn't open when i force my eyes shut.. needs a lot of rest. i have not been sleeping well at all!!!!
this has to either stop or the calls will have to originate from there which they do but don't last long enough
I am also losing time on the PMP preparation. I might as well go for it now.. but again... i am riddled with this nonsensical fear that I will not be able to catch up and study
i tried to encourage myself that since Pranjal was able to study while working, with 2 kids at home, why am I so lousy in this aspect?
the response is that I am too weak to control my senses and my sense of self control seems to be waning because I am not putting in the effort to strengthen it
it is me who is the culprit yet I am not taking any action on this!!! till when?
I know I will regret my decisions now later... yet I am not tightening my belt!!
is the condition of my house a reason? possible... maybe if I rearrange things a bit, it might be better and might show me the change I need...
basically I need a study table...
Bujju finally booked the tickets for 22nd.. and I need to book mine for the 24th to reach Hyd on 25th...
it has been very hot till last evening.. today was a little better..
the anti-termite work got over yesterday evening at Indore...
the anti cockroach treatment seemed to have brought out very little cockroaches as Amma said... maybe there is some other way they have escaped?!!!
nevertheless, the termite protection needs to work and hopefully the mound needs to move away...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
moving forward
As weeks pass, we are coming closer to the day of reckoning...
Today was another slow day, though got to attend one call and it seemed to me that apparently, the manager is leaving everything on me to take up and go with the flow as work turns on me...
I don't see any specific help from him, and he I believe is watching my moves.. and how I take things on..
We are officially supposed to launch tomorrow.. and till 630pm, there is no word of a call tomorrow for the kick off.. not sure what is happening.
Bujju in the meantime has made her move.. she starts for hyd on 22nd Apr. and we discussed today the next travel date to Bombay.. for 25th or 26th as the tickets get available..
she seems to see the pinch in the pocket for her brother since he is spending on almost everything since she went there, for her tests, medicines.. and given his position at work, it could be a tall order.. but then.. that's probably the best they could do.
don't want to take too many off days from work now, to spare this for later.. and I hope I can get that time out soon.
Sent out my MBA form yesterday, and hoping to get started soon.. have to get very serious about every moment from Apr 1st that was what I had decided.. no more online internet in the evenings... except for checking mails - strictly.
I have not watched TV in almost about 10 days.
Bujju will need to do some work when we are back in Bombay, esp. with the heat catching up on us.. it's very hot in the noon and I am very concerned how she can manage alone at home.
maybe we have to try the wet bedsheet technique so that we get some cooler air into the house.... will have to play it as it comes...
Today was another slow day, though got to attend one call and it seemed to me that apparently, the manager is leaving everything on me to take up and go with the flow as work turns on me...
I don't see any specific help from him, and he I believe is watching my moves.. and how I take things on..
We are officially supposed to launch tomorrow.. and till 630pm, there is no word of a call tomorrow for the kick off.. not sure what is happening.
Bujju in the meantime has made her move.. she starts for hyd on 22nd Apr. and we discussed today the next travel date to Bombay.. for 25th or 26th as the tickets get available..
she seems to see the pinch in the pocket for her brother since he is spending on almost everything since she went there, for her tests, medicines.. and given his position at work, it could be a tall order.. but then.. that's probably the best they could do.
don't want to take too many off days from work now, to spare this for later.. and I hope I can get that time out soon.
Sent out my MBA form yesterday, and hoping to get started soon.. have to get very serious about every moment from Apr 1st that was what I had decided.. no more online internet in the evenings... except for checking mails - strictly.
I have not watched TV in almost about 10 days.
Bujju will need to do some work when we are back in Bombay, esp. with the heat catching up on us.. it's very hot in the noon and I am very concerned how she can manage alone at home.
maybe we have to try the wet bedsheet technique so that we get some cooler air into the house.... will have to play it as it comes...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Dawn of work
One full year that I have been officially out of a project.
And from Monday, work starts...
now one year is a huge time gap... and a huge gain or loss depending on what has been achieved. At the economic front I achieved nothing. On the family front, additional responsibility... in one year, nothing else at all...
that's a huge waste of my time and energy.. all that was spent online in the evenings, doing nothing but shaggin off to videos and chats...
where do I account for this in my life in the future. how can I say that I really did make any meaningful progress in life in the last 3 years, of which the last 1 year was the most taunting, most whiled away time.. achieving close to 0 progress in life...
no car
no renter for the garage
no purchases in the house
no meaningful investment that I can expect to give me returns in life.
what did I do than just give in to my vicarious pleasures???? at the cost of loss of time, respect and knowledge..
i can't do anything now but ensure the future is not like this... which I believe will depend on how I take the time on from today. today, had this discussion about the way forward from Monday when I will be taking over some role from someone of Virtusa..
I am just apprehensive about my leave part though I think I need to show a cool face and keep a cool attitude to avoid giving into 'emotions'
Have to chalk out a plan for the Indore work financing etc. for the first floor roofing and maybe if possible, buying the plot next door.. but as Amma said, we don't take decisions and don't take decisions come what may to move forward...
As Sameer also said today, moving forward is the only way, for which some steps will have to be taken today.. and I think I am becoming more and more like Pappa who now shows no interest in taking any decisions.. mainly because of the funds issue..
how we get enslaved by inadequacies... that money places on our minds...
managing money is like managing time.. and I need to learn both soon..
Bujju unleashed the April's day quite creatively this morning... telling me that she booked of return tickets and then when I called to confirm.. I played right into the joke .. very smart of her
She hopefully should be back with me by the end of the month
I have to clean up my house now or never... move the shelf out of the place by selling off or giving away the books to someone because I myself will never use those books again in my life.. so also goes for the books in Indore..
the baby by the time grows up to talk about books I will never be able to convince to read the older books... but that's one reason.. other one being lack of any kind of space in the house... and again, lack of monetary management skills to get into a bigger house... and the constant nag for me to move back to Indore...
too many of these parameters that I am playing with .. not moving anywhere with them
And from Monday, work starts...
now one year is a huge time gap... and a huge gain or loss depending on what has been achieved. At the economic front I achieved nothing. On the family front, additional responsibility... in one year, nothing else at all...
that's a huge waste of my time and energy.. all that was spent online in the evenings, doing nothing but shaggin off to videos and chats...
where do I account for this in my life in the future. how can I say that I really did make any meaningful progress in life in the last 3 years, of which the last 1 year was the most taunting, most whiled away time.. achieving close to 0 progress in life...
no car
no renter for the garage
no purchases in the house
no meaningful investment that I can expect to give me returns in life.
what did I do than just give in to my vicarious pleasures???? at the cost of loss of time, respect and knowledge..
i can't do anything now but ensure the future is not like this... which I believe will depend on how I take the time on from today. today, had this discussion about the way forward from Monday when I will be taking over some role from someone of Virtusa..
I am just apprehensive about my leave part though I think I need to show a cool face and keep a cool attitude to avoid giving into 'emotions'
Have to chalk out a plan for the Indore work financing etc. for the first floor roofing and maybe if possible, buying the plot next door.. but as Amma said, we don't take decisions and don't take decisions come what may to move forward...
As Sameer also said today, moving forward is the only way, for which some steps will have to be taken today.. and I think I am becoming more and more like Pappa who now shows no interest in taking any decisions.. mainly because of the funds issue..
how we get enslaved by inadequacies... that money places on our minds...
managing money is like managing time.. and I need to learn both soon..
Bujju unleashed the April's day quite creatively this morning... telling me that she booked of return tickets and then when I called to confirm.. I played right into the joke .. very smart of her
She hopefully should be back with me by the end of the month
I have to clean up my house now or never... move the shelf out of the place by selling off or giving away the books to someone because I myself will never use those books again in my life.. so also goes for the books in Indore..
the baby by the time grows up to talk about books I will never be able to convince to read the older books... but that's one reason.. other one being lack of any kind of space in the house... and again, lack of monetary management skills to get into a bigger house... and the constant nag for me to move back to Indore...
too many of these parameters that I am playing with .. not moving anywhere with them
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