And with today.. 2nd month of 2009 is out into history...
given that I posted this on 28th IST though it got logged on 27th PST
Friday, February 27, 2009
tentative friday
Day last of Feb is here... and I am on the edge of my seat...
Amma called in the morning and asked me not to get tense about the move, that I should relax and just identify things to carry and mainly things to dispose off in the kitchen that could get spoilt...
I felt a bit reassured though I was still not mentally prepared to have my list of items ready that I need to transport later whenever necessary. The main issue for me was not to lose anything in the transportation and the expenses bit.
I probably am a bit more worried about the losing part, and ofcourse the expenses also that I need to incur if I move there.
But there are no other options I see for now.
Amma called in the morning and asked me not to get tense about the move, that I should relax and just identify things to carry and mainly things to dispose off in the kitchen that could get spoilt...
I felt a bit reassured though I was still not mentally prepared to have my list of items ready that I need to transport later whenever necessary. The main issue for me was not to lose anything in the transportation and the expenses bit.
I probably am a bit more worried about the losing part, and ofcourse the expenses also that I need to incur if I move there.
But there are no other options I see for now.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
sleep deprivation
I remembered a report about Parzania in which it was mentioned about Sarika's acting - how she acted the part of knowing that she was going mad, hearing about the disappearance of her son, but still maintained herself as a normal individual...
Something of this sort hit me last night... I was caught up trying to unravel the whole issue of this relocation, whether the company is really wanting to relieve me of my services in case I say that I can't relocate - what if I did that, who should I talk to, who will listen to me, what scenario should I present.... what I need to say, how can I justify what I say... should I justify or not...
it was really a maddening situation... I knew I was losing my sense of collective thoughts and not able to coherently keep my thoughts about what I should do.
I have been wanting to clean up my place but I have not been able to focus on anything... always thinking that I will have some more to do when it really comes to that...
- cleaning up the kitchen is the biggest issue. there is much we have that could get spoilt if left unattended.. so that needs to be taken care of... items like rice, dal, jeera, jaggery need to be taken care of sooner..
Then there are containers to pack.
the gunny sacks need to be cleaned up.. hopefully i will leave by 3 today and get back to do the gunny sack work..
had a short chat with the guy who pushed me into this. Today he was sounding a little off the edge so somehow some relief is in the head though i think it is still a hallucination of mine...
Something of this sort hit me last night... I was caught up trying to unravel the whole issue of this relocation, whether the company is really wanting to relieve me of my services in case I say that I can't relocate - what if I did that, who should I talk to, who will listen to me, what scenario should I present.... what I need to say, how can I justify what I say... should I justify or not...
it was really a maddening situation... I knew I was losing my sense of collective thoughts and not able to coherently keep my thoughts about what I should do.
I have been wanting to clean up my place but I have not been able to focus on anything... always thinking that I will have some more to do when it really comes to that...
- cleaning up the kitchen is the biggest issue. there is much we have that could get spoilt if left unattended.. so that needs to be taken care of... items like rice, dal, jeera, jaggery need to be taken care of sooner..
Then there are containers to pack.
the gunny sacks need to be cleaned up.. hopefully i will leave by 3 today and get back to do the gunny sack work..
had a short chat with the guy who pushed me into this. Today he was sounding a little off the edge so somehow some relief is in the head though i think it is still a hallucination of mine...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
risk it or not
while returning back, got on a wrong route bus 321 going to SantaCruz... was wondering in that journey.. what if I take a risk and tell them that I Can't go to Pune..
what if I took the economic and financial situation option which is already putting me into a corner and risking the job loss...
should I do it or not?
alternatives are maybe a tuition option with tutorvista; maybe some option with Ajay P's company?
there will be a fight, but at least maybe I can take some time out to go visit bujju???
what if I took this risk??
some direction some sign i need...
what if I took the economic and financial situation option which is already putting me into a corner and risking the job loss...
should I do it or not?
alternatives are maybe a tuition option with tutorvista; maybe some option with Ajay P's company?
there will be a fight, but at least maybe I can take some time out to go visit bujju???
what if I took this risk??
some direction some sign i need...
eventful Tuesday.. and Wednesday
Days are passing by and the pressure on me is increasing...
I am probably creating more internal pressure than I should 'cos in the absence of the right information and also the right trusted contacts that I could speak to to vent it out, I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with what is happening to me right now...
basically, the issues are
a. I am not with my bujju in the times that I probably should be with her.. and that I feel I want to be with her to feel the changes she is going through and be her through it
b. I am not in a position to call for any kind of a decision for my own sake and am totally feeling bound by circumstances.. never before have I felt so bad, though I did feel compelled in the early days when I was in Tata Infotech and I was asked to go onsite at short notice periods. That was a time when I used to feel that my freedom and mu life is getting dictated by things out of my control... but never before have I felt any more forced to be humiliated in a way I feel now...
Given the deep resentment that has engulfed me with this move to Pune, and also seeing the amount of pressure that is getting built on the delivery of the project workload, I am looking at the deep sea and the devil at the same time and finding myself getting squeezed in this fast crunching space....
I am getting more worried about not being able to spend time with Bujji and my new baby... very worried.
What will I tell the baby - that I was not with them in the early years? that my work was more important at that time? or that I was very unmanaged, have been lousy to not being able to ensure that things were kept smooth for myself and the family... I feel ashamed...
The stress signs are now being seen slowly.. hair-fall increase, forgetfulness - these seem to be impacting me but I am sure some of it is my own internal creation for not being in control of my emotions.
More than my internal tention, some people like Midha have been dishing out crap and I decided today after I spoke to him, to keep away from him. For he is probably one of those informers that he keeps talking about, very senselessly, non-sensically.. pointing fingers at others as though he is the shrink who everyone comes and refers to... he is a more pathetic state when he talks, and I need to keep my sanity intact...
on Tuesday, dropped in a mail indicating the reimbursement of payment for my relocation to be given in the next year, but they are not willing to do that either. I am hopelessly disappointed with this kind of an attitude that I would not have expected from a professional organization.
another big disappointment came later in the day when I reached home and found that my landline was disconnected due to non payment of bill.
Pathetically MTNL has a lousy process and they have not re-presented the cheque that bounced because it was presented a day in advance at ICICI.
These days, the different companies are simply squeezing people's lives one way or another and only those who are potentially well connected or have the money power to show off survive and get away with everything.
That's the reality into which my baby is taking shape and life.... I hope things will be better for it in the times to come.
Then today, I found time to figure out a number of the accounts office of MTNL after frantic calling 2-3 numbers that were floating around their web site.
The lady there stated that since my cheque bounced, the line had been disconnected. I had to make a payment by 4pm, and when I had called it was just 330pm. I rushed to the Saki vihar exchange to make this cash payment of Rs. 881/- + Rs. 20/- penalty to get my line back..
which i will have to eventually disconnect or tone down to just a phone with no broadband - in about 10 days.
I am feeling so wretched.. to see my roots being pulled out.. roots I myself was not happy with in a way, but such a violent change.. a big lesson.
Another shake up was to relocate my seating from my airy lighted up Unit 1 2nd floor seat to the dingy light and life less 1st floor... a place I dreaded if ever I was given that location in the beginning, but apparently, now it seems all those things I dread are coming to fruit... which makes me VERY VERY SCARED...
I just pray every day these days... pray for better times now that I have learnt my lesson to be more active in life.. that I had been avoiding for the last 3 years...
God pls. get me back on a stronger base.. with a better life... which I will have to now plan for.
I am probably creating more internal pressure than I should 'cos in the absence of the right information and also the right trusted contacts that I could speak to to vent it out, I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with what is happening to me right now...
basically, the issues are
a. I am not with my bujju in the times that I probably should be with her.. and that I feel I want to be with her to feel the changes she is going through and be her through it
b. I am not in a position to call for any kind of a decision for my own sake and am totally feeling bound by circumstances.. never before have I felt so bad, though I did feel compelled in the early days when I was in Tata Infotech and I was asked to go onsite at short notice periods. That was a time when I used to feel that my freedom and mu life is getting dictated by things out of my control... but never before have I felt any more forced to be humiliated in a way I feel now...
Given the deep resentment that has engulfed me with this move to Pune, and also seeing the amount of pressure that is getting built on the delivery of the project workload, I am looking at the deep sea and the devil at the same time and finding myself getting squeezed in this fast crunching space....
I am getting more worried about not being able to spend time with Bujji and my new baby... very worried.
What will I tell the baby - that I was not with them in the early years? that my work was more important at that time? or that I was very unmanaged, have been lousy to not being able to ensure that things were kept smooth for myself and the family... I feel ashamed...
The stress signs are now being seen slowly.. hair-fall increase, forgetfulness - these seem to be impacting me but I am sure some of it is my own internal creation for not being in control of my emotions.
More than my internal tention, some people like Midha have been dishing out crap and I decided today after I spoke to him, to keep away from him. For he is probably one of those informers that he keeps talking about, very senselessly, non-sensically.. pointing fingers at others as though he is the shrink who everyone comes and refers to... he is a more pathetic state when he talks, and I need to keep my sanity intact...
on Tuesday, dropped in a mail indicating the reimbursement of payment for my relocation to be given in the next year, but they are not willing to do that either. I am hopelessly disappointed with this kind of an attitude that I would not have expected from a professional organization.
another big disappointment came later in the day when I reached home and found that my landline was disconnected due to non payment of bill.
Pathetically MTNL has a lousy process and they have not re-presented the cheque that bounced because it was presented a day in advance at ICICI.
These days, the different companies are simply squeezing people's lives one way or another and only those who are potentially well connected or have the money power to show off survive and get away with everything.
That's the reality into which my baby is taking shape and life.... I hope things will be better for it in the times to come.
Then today, I found time to figure out a number of the accounts office of MTNL after frantic calling 2-3 numbers that were floating around their web site.
The lady there stated that since my cheque bounced, the line had been disconnected. I had to make a payment by 4pm, and when I had called it was just 330pm. I rushed to the Saki vihar exchange to make this cash payment of Rs. 881/- + Rs. 20/- penalty to get my line back..
which i will have to eventually disconnect or tone down to just a phone with no broadband - in about 10 days.
I am feeling so wretched.. to see my roots being pulled out.. roots I myself was not happy with in a way, but such a violent change.. a big lesson.
Another shake up was to relocate my seating from my airy lighted up Unit 1 2nd floor seat to the dingy light and life less 1st floor... a place I dreaded if ever I was given that location in the beginning, but apparently, now it seems all those things I dread are coming to fruit... which makes me VERY VERY SCARED...
I just pray every day these days... pray for better times now that I have learnt my lesson to be more active in life.. that I had been avoiding for the last 3 years...
God pls. get me back on a stronger base.. with a better life... which I will have to now plan for.
Monday, February 23, 2009
another tense day
As each day passes, my tension is rising.. that there is being no proper communication with the people of the delivery team and that they have put everything on people who are to be relocated sounds so very unprofessional...
but then, this company has not shown the professionalism yet, stinginess and frugality tending to mendicancy... yes!
nevertheless, I am yet to plan my regular weekend returns from Pune in the event I get there next week onwards.
today being Shivratri, it sure began well, put music on, got some clothes ironed and got the carpenter to fix the trolley handle.
then decided to give another opening that came up a chance, let's hope there is some progress in that arena and that the company is a good one to think about joining.
The domain seems to be the most upcoming one and I am hoping I can actually get hands on in that domain!
before I left, watched the live telecast of the Oscars.. and surprisingly.. India was on top with the all Indian crew of Slumdog Millionaire... A R Rahman and Gulzar, of all people, getting Oscar awards.. not sure what the jury figured was cool about the whole plot, but nevertheless, if it's a white man selling world wares, the wares sell better...
on the new baby front.. Bujju says alls fine and so we are into the 10th week... more tense moments ahead with work, and then this... taking leave is the issue I am worried about, if I continue in this company/project... but if I quit, it might be a little bigger issue..
will have to live this risky life for a bit... with all the chances I can get... so help me Lord!
but then, this company has not shown the professionalism yet, stinginess and frugality tending to mendicancy... yes!
nevertheless, I am yet to plan my regular weekend returns from Pune in the event I get there next week onwards.
today being Shivratri, it sure began well, put music on, got some clothes ironed and got the carpenter to fix the trolley handle.
then decided to give another opening that came up a chance, let's hope there is some progress in that arena and that the company is a good one to think about joining.
The domain seems to be the most upcoming one and I am hoping I can actually get hands on in that domain!
before I left, watched the live telecast of the Oscars.. and surprisingly.. India was on top with the all Indian crew of Slumdog Millionaire... A R Rahman and Gulzar, of all people, getting Oscar awards.. not sure what the jury figured was cool about the whole plot, but nevertheless, if it's a white man selling world wares, the wares sell better...
on the new baby front.. Bujju says alls fine and so we are into the 10th week... more tense moments ahead with work, and then this... taking leave is the issue I am worried about, if I continue in this company/project... but if I quit, it might be a little bigger issue..
will have to live this risky life for a bit... with all the chances I can get... so help me Lord!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
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