Spending Sunday

Ended up spending around 1500/- today in getting the new bedding made and the suitcase handle repaired...
the biggest issue with me now is - I do not negotiate.. I am very bad at negotiating and asking for better pricing... I just can't think how to get to talk to a person and get to negotiate things with the person on any matter... and more importantly so.. about money..

I am just hoping this kind of an attitude is not passed down... it is basically fear that has surrounded me and keeps me constantly in check and with fear is this constant nag of - what to do in the situation? how to talk, what to talk, how to get someone's interest in what I have to say and how to say things more forcefully... this is my problem now.. as I see what is stopping me from going forward...

anyways, so sunday is gone this way, entered some Reliance Phone bill details in the system and spent all evening on it.. another waste of time and no focus on either PMP or anything that I could get to read..

the house looks a mess adding to all my confusion and I don't know where to start to clean up if I sit on line like this...

crucial hit on the job front on Anniversary day

Yesterday was the day! 17th Feb 09, when I should have put my thoughts down..

Yet again, i forgot to key this important thing in, but was on other wasted sites....
how grandly stupid of me for losing control on things that are of no import to my life... and missing out on key things are I am SUPPOSED to be considering about.

Nevertheless, yesterday was an upsetting day primarily because as an employee, I have become nothing but just a number, a count of a head, in the pool of heads that these days are being herded around the country in the IT projects.
Despite it being the anniversary, here I am fighting my battle alone and there my Chinni on her own wondering what all things ..I know not...

And so went to the temple in the morning and did archana.. again with the mistake of not including Bujju's name.. there are so many things I need to observe and learn and REMEMBER!!!!

And this is the day as the last whole fortnight since I got allocated to this project, I regret I should not have seen had I not been so complacent over the last complete year.
April became June, July became Sept, Oct turned into Jan, and I didn't get to focus on ANYTHING AT ALL that could have given me the edge in this turning down economy.
All I did was get back home and sit on the internet doing don't know WHAT.. all those 9 months have literally gone down the drain and with them the time I had to prepare for my PMP and get an edge up in my career.

That yesterday they finally put in the marching orders for me to report to the new location on 2nd March in Pune shook me up. Since the time I have been given the transfer orders, I have been sleepless and I am feeling very lost.
I am missing my baby and I am not able to think clearly the next course of action I have in hand which could at least give me an edge in the situation I am in - where I need to be with her for at least 5 of the 9 months, and I am seeing that not materializing at all... unless I take that step of taking off from work with the risk that I might lose the position and the job and then a little darker future...
but I think also, that the transfer to Pune is coming at a time when I was getting a little too fed up with Bombay. Wanting to get out of here was always on my mind, not just for myself, though there are several things that hold us up here... but giving a change to life is an important thing.
Maybe this will let me get into a more transferable mode that I should be able to function in a more effiecient manner by doing only things that are important for me and now the new arrival.

The baby is into it's 6th week - considering the fact that if conception happened around 25th Dec. then by 25th Feb, we have an 8 week baby...
I hope there is a lot of positivity going through Chinni in these days... I just am hoping for the best now... esp. with all this crap that has been dished out to me given my vulnerable position.
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So that was yesterday. Today, again I woke up with limited sleep, and wondering what I need to do to get over this feeling of extreme depression of relocating at such a short notice. Came in a little later, was waiting for the Eureka Forbes guy at 9 as he promised, but he called at 840 saying he can't make it. Will come tomorrow... by 0830.
So got out a little late, and got down to talking to this guy Pramod Kumar, typically a rough guy who has no etiquette how to talk to people.. a case of giving a knife to a Monkey!!!
tried to reason with him that I need time out on my own to go figure things out in Pune and see where I should go live and all that... and he kind of mellowed down, but I still could not get out of the situation of not getting a transfer...
now I am stuck and I can't seem to get my head to make any sense of how I will handle Pune esp. with the up down traveling and the local Pune travel..
main concerns
- more expenses in that city than I can afford to pay for; shared acco is the only way to begin with..
- food and local travel will be higher in Pune
- bombay conveniences will have to be curbed, change Broadband plan, bank address change and all that jazz... all the while being without Bujju and being away from her in these baby times!!!

my baby seems to be on a very interesting but tough journey into this world

They say - Be careful what you ask for, for it may be granted - I am seeing this happen right here right now.

fear of change

Fear eats everything it has its eyes on... rather.. eats all that which you let it set its eyes/feelers on...
and it eats in a jiffy.. it doesn't allow you to think, or act 'cos when fear is around, it is all pervasive and it stops you in your tracks, makes you think twice, three times, four times, all alternatives and in the end confuses you into inaction...

that was the state, is the state as of now... I have been a fearing guy for quite a while, for as long as I remember now into my childhood days...
Not sure if it was because I was caught a couple of times doing things that kids should not be doing.. or maybe because I was not sure how my behavior would impact my mom n dad, so I might have controlled a lot of my urges to speak - leading me to feel afraid to speak out when the time really comes.. and speak the right way.

I hope this attitude just does not get translated down to the coming one...
there are so many other things that I wish I can change.. this is the time that I should begin to put into practice all the personality traits in me, that I have been wanting to better myself in... no time than now...

had been fearing that come the next 6 months, when I am supposed to be taking care of my family, I am slated to be slogging at work all along.. and I fear that I might not be able to take the time out to be with them when the time comes...
I had been wanting to buy a video camera to record the times as these which are so special... but I am not able to do that as yet.. that's what frustrates me


I just hope I don't take a rash decision now to make these things work.
May there be a big change in the scheme of things.. may I be able to get the leave I want and spend the time I want to with my sweet one and the new coming one!!!!

I need to get some baby posters and set things up... in this house and that and send some there... i hope i can do them... Thursday!!!!