saw your face

and ready to see you too...
landed up at home..
went to meet the doc at 4- got in at 5, she bantered around asking why I am here.. when the date is not due yet...

was concerned if bubbu was growing in weight or not..
suggested a doppler

at 1940, the doppler happened and I was in there with bujju and pappa to see how it all works
all fears about umblical cord getting twisted around the neck/reduced blood flow were put to rest when doc Neeraj Gupta said that the weight might have been due to bujju's reduced diet
and so bujju's reducing weight was being compensated by bubbu's growth and what a perfect match they have kept at 71kg

so .. things look good there..
but other fronts need more attention...

more about my home stay on soon

coming home baby

I begin my journey today... towards welcoming a new life..
a life I had been waiting for - well waiting for?? - all these months..
since Jan 15th when chinnu went to Berhampur till Sept 15th when we will be in a new role...
life has been one hell of a set of same old shit different day only peppered by the wait.. the moments of mental thought pressure that bujju has been going through and what I have been going through here as part of my role, my self, my thought sets which in a way were pulling me back.. making me see the negatives.. but not able to think what positives would neutrilize them

all these came went we have survived...
amma even went into a cataract operation 2 days back, on 28th.. i didn't capture that here...
but yes she went in, with LAkshmi pinni around the house, doing her duty of a younger sister, reluctantly more so I think...

i have always been thinking amma and bujju will be able to get along well...
but that has not come through.. more fire in the background there...

and yet I didn't change my daily night sessions ...
back home
on the laptop to update expenses
and then switch the router on and stay there put till 1AM

pathetic...


then the guilt as i hit the bed and then praying for all to be ok praying to bajrangbali and ganapati baba and all the other forces to keep my amma pappa bujju bubbu and lately... shanu safe and happy...
thats all i want but then i have this longing to be with amma and pappa but unfortunately the pressure bujju has experienced there...
last 2 days i have been thinking why this is happening...

all this impacts the new baby getting in here....
i don't know how to welcome the baby
no thought gone into doing up the house
no thought about how to handle the delivery process
no thought about what all are needed for the baby..
no discussion no advice from amma and pappa.. they will have their own opinions later on accusingly more often than not
all i had been doing is sit on the net and browse.. no planning nothing...
and since last week, with work pressure mounting..more no-planning..
just wallowing in self pity!!!
except one step to spend 10K towards financial planning... I am just hoping that one goes through well... lets hope that gives me some peace of mind!!!! please~!

and the baby might have already imbibed all those thoughts of bujju to some extent... the pressure, the negativities, the sadness, the hunger pangs and the repressed feelings to break free and anger...
.. already found underweight as per the doc by about 250 gms. but still normal within the range as per our genetics, was in breech position till 37th week, and last 2 weeks seem some change in position..
bujju's high blood sugar and the subsequent treatment
the water quality being consumed..
and the doctor's final verdict tomorrow.. 31st Sept ..

so many things... one small life.. coming in with some of its own destiny.. designed by us!!!

i am begining my journey today to welcome this bundle... with my own set of fears and limitations and holdups!!! so help me god!

last 2 weeks before deliverance

over the last one month, since I was back from Indore, lots of things happened..

i am writing them here in no specific order but the impact on the baby is probably going to be seen one day of the stress the mother has gone through in that house..

there is no one to blame but circumstances - AND - people's reaction to the circumstances.
but this can't be explained in layman terms to everyone.. esp. when it comes to women who have some kind of an issue with other women..
amma - for all she used to preach to me - seems to have gone to behave like the rest of the old women - OR SO it SEEMS but I am not sure if I am wrong on this account too...
surely, she has issues with the new mother for she expects everything to be as per her ways and means... and she does not tolerate anything that goes off that...
hats off to pappa to have been able to manage himself through all this... and also to amma to have been able to pull through all this

i feel sorry for both but I have no options in my hand - at least I am not able to THINK of any - that I could rise up to and bring them to understand how they are impacting people around


maybe the stress management or genetics, but bujju's blood sugar in control since the diet being prescribed

BP was on the higher side - doc said not to take any salt items in her last visit on 24th
also said the baby had moved off the breech position so lets hope there is a movement towards the natural process...

sometimes over the last few weeks it felt that the things are going as I want, as bujju wants.. but feel scared of being so optimistic that 'luck' could be favoring all these things...
but i hope luck does favor and things get alright for all of us...

rains are coming in the last 10 odd days only about 30 min in the morning time.. otherwise days are all dry and sunnu
water cuts will be enforced

I am going back to the Astrology book, which mentioned about the last 100 years of sun-sign birthmonths/dates
so based on that, kids born in this year 2009 will have personality impact of low rain, drought and water related worries, possibly insecurities of some kind might develop in them related to that??? - just trying my head at astrology

my project work also started right when I thought i will be able to make it for bujju in Sept.
Work started since 17th Aug and now I am in a quandry how to go on leave and fpr how long
earlier I would have taken off for more than 10 days.. but now... not sure if I will be able to
and then to bring bujju back here and adjust to all the things with the new baby...

wow... my head is not clear how I will deal with all this...
car has to be got, no other option to take them out anywhere...
maid servant will have to be hired...

increments are not coming through, don't know how my life is getting to turn out later in time.. but I am praying and hoping that the baby's life is smooth and trouble free though there is nothing like that on this planet

an advance welcome to the world bubbu.. i will be seeing soon... who you are what you are how you are

i hope one day you will read all this and think of some thoughts about us - your parents - thoughts you might not have thought before.. and wondering what kind of times were these when you were created and delivered into this world

i don't have my camera to capture the way I used to.. things on that front - camera/photography - have been relegated to the old cupboard... how i wish i could go back to it.... will have to buy a new camera shortly before I go there.. which is on 30th Aug. '09

i will at least start on photography again now that bubbu is here... !!!

Lakshmi Pinni and Uncle arrived in indore yest night. 25-08-09
it seems amma has been telling her all about bujju and her ways and means... not sure if it is with negative connotations or what... but it seems also that amma pappa are now looking at everything in a detached manner....
i can feel it ..
hope all is for the best...
more to come - more thoughts - more anxieties..

trying times

Since the last time I was here, things have been very trying.... for everyone in the family.. trying with worries of one kind or another...

in no specific order but in the order of the highest worries
-CWB and the threat for Pune move or lose the job. this was a huge issue which in a way has restricted all my moves, my yearnings to be with bujju and amma and apappa

-Bujju feeling harangued by amma with all the taunts amma made targeting her 'genetic issue' the high sugar levels that have been found in her.. - I hated this part the most.. how could an educated person think on those lines esp. when I don't blame anyone for their genes...
if I did, I should be the most blamed person but I really am pissed off with Amma but they are to be left on their own for they are now beyond any kind of discussion...
bujju herself is a scared individual.. all this is scaringn her but she is taking everything in her stride...
i wonder how it would feel to be on your own, in your husbands house with taunts flying around you..
bujju has cried a lot I know.. yet she has - for the sake of bubbu.. pulled along... and I have not been able to do anything about it...

-bubbu was found underweight.. when I was there during the last month.. even forget when I was I there last.. it was July 22-26th I think.. it's almost a month now..
at that time, the doctor did a Sonography and said the baby was in breech position which was a cause for concern in a way

we had a debate in the house how the doctor is probably trying to fleece with the C-Section procedure and trying to ensure the patient and the family try and give in to the doctors advice and all such doubts which usually raise the tempers in all of us in the house...

-my MBA course was another big bad surprise and shock.. now that i finished the 4 papers out of 6 and off these 4 too, not sure if I will clear all, I have a higher load on myself with my work load doubling just from today...
the assignment that has come to me from this character S Rege seemed to have pushed me into this corner from where I don't see a break out unless it is a break out of the company.. that's one thing I am getting surer of...

but I have also had renewed faith in the lord for having seen me through these times and I just hope all these thoughts get to bubbu and bubbu takes them in the stride of life he is just going to get into...

- bigger issues came on to all of the world of India
DROUGHT
the worst patch of rainfall - lack of it - has gripped all of us and that is a bigger worry for all because now with Bubbu in, I am not sure how the situation is going to impact us all in the coming times
drinking water in indore is contaminated and they are all drinking tubewell water... with whatever taste it gives
there is a worry that this water might also affect bubbu but we are leaving everything to the lord to take care of...
bajrangbali and Ganapati are my constant companions these days...
a turn on it's head for times when I was not believing that a force as the lord's existed... I think i didn't believe in such things... but dont remember

- pappa is running around with the work in the apartment.. almost single handedly he has taken life from one corner of the world to the other and he is still - touch wood - there for me.. I wish, pray and hope amma and pappa are always with me as they are today... please.... bhagwaan..

I wonder at times what kind of a situation have I got stuck in...
am feelingn all alone.. wife and parents are on their own there while we should all be together.. there is this intense need to be with them but because of the money part... I am broken and Torn!!! and no where to go to get this issue resolved...

there have been instances of thought where i did think that over the last year and a half that I wasted, these are times that will make me work for those lost times..


there are more things to write.. all about the worries we and I am going through and since today's work load situation, I am dying of the expectations being mounted on me...
bhagwan prabhu raksha karo!!

will hope to write sometime soon... if life permits...
with the kind of 12-14 hr scheds I am going to get into from TODAY, in this DELIVEYR MANAGEMENT thing, life needs to permit me...
please permit me life to be with my family and a better quality of life...

now there are only 20 days left for bubbu to arrive and I Am STUCK in this situation that will make me feel so wretched if I am not able to spend time as I was able to earlier that I will decide on leaving my job of this kind to be with my family...

but that is not a practical thought any more... i have to get an alternative options NOW and get on to it so help me lord..

time going by

In this hectic journey days pass by..

~ many thoughts trailing away ..

~ words left unspoken ~ deeds left off done hastily ~ moments left unlived ~ people left unacknowledged ..

~ waiting for something, someone to complete them for us!