Hi Bubbulu
i am writing to you on 29th Sep 09, the day I returned back to Bombay to resume work but my thoughts were always with you and everyone else at Indore.
I am for some reason attached to that place and now the attachment has grown very strong
I need to go back there and do things on my own, but I am very very skeptical on how to start and what to take off from.
But these have been perpetual thoughts, like I have been caught in a whirlpool and am just rotatinng in that same loop all along
The day you were born, the look on your face was like- where the hell have I landed...
I have been thinking about the soul in you that you bring with you, the day that soul actually would have awakened and felt the things around yourself trying to figure out where are you and what are you doing there... i await that day when I can have a conversation with you
I wonder over the last 14 days, I have bserved you in different moods, most often that of a crying baby hungry for food or basically wetting your nappies, but the other mood fascinates me, when you have your eyes wide open and move your hands and legs aimlessly for me it seems, but for some purpose that your brain defines for you...
I have seen you stare blankly, and I wonder what you might be thinking, if you ever did in those times, and what makes you look like that.
You have some interesting expressions on your face and I have kissed you for the first time on 28th itself, lest I miss out on the opportunity to kiss your pretty features, though with some apprehension that my kiss might defile you in some way...
but I did, and I have taken away even that sanctity off you.
there are times over the last week when I have shaken you, I have tapped hard on the underside of your feet just to see how you react, and taken some pleasure in it, sadistic should I say??? which I now feel was wrong, but I did that wrong..
I see you dosing off to sleep while feeding, which doctors say all babies do, but maybe it's the situation in the house or my impatience that I had to force things.. I promise I will never ever do that ... nor will I ever lift my hand over you out of frustration...
I am hoping I will be able to write to you more oftener, especially asking you what your thoughts would have been in thse days, but alas, its difficult to figure out for anyone what such innocent babies are designed to 'think' and contemplate about though your expressions are pretty seriously contemplative.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
you were Thus named
yesterday 24-09-2009 was the 11th day of your birth.
11th day is the day of purification
birth of a child is equivalent to the death of a person
the house needs to be purified after the birth on the 11th day
so we had punyavachanam and along with that pappa also 'enforced' or bulldozed, so to say, the namakaranam ceremony..
i was more curious to know about the process, how the naming is to be done based on star and date and rashee, but it turned into an immediate implementation.
Vaadyar mentioned that on 14th Sep 09, which was 5 days before NavRarti started, between 1000-1015 was Kanya Rashee, Punarvasu nakshtram, dashami, after the full moon. and that your name should start with the sounds ra ri rae ru..
we were listing some other names, to start with S to mix into the family set of names.. so I had listed out names like
Shambhavi -which amma had suggested -refering to some Shambhu Rani in her family
Sudarshana -which I suggested refering to your countenance, nice to look at (su darshan, also alluding to Lord Krishna's weapon, and thus to the Vaishnava sect connection of bujju's taste)
Katyayini - for 24th was the 6th day of Navratri belongs to Katyayini form of Durga
Shashwati -the name just popped into my head so thought can consider it, and also thought of the 'modern form' of longer indian names - Sasha - which might be useful later in passports, or when you interact with the world of today's and your times, long names might be a problem...
and there was the name Tattva/Tattvam that I long wanted to consider.. as I thought it out way back in June or so, some different name to the rigmarole of names we read..
but then all those names got wished away in a way when the letter of choice was R, and thus pappa had his thought of naming you after his mother, RamaLakshmi, which in a way is the tradition too... to name the child after someone elder in the family or some god's name.
the other things i needed to write about are:
your vaginal bleeding
your first 'food' on 24th as part of namakarana
your first set of cries
our sleepless nights since 17th when you got back home, our inabilities to understand your needs but figuring out intuitively about your cries meaning hunger, cleaning etc.
your first set of smiles.. came from some kind of dreams you have been dreaming.. or some sensations that makes you smile.. or what we in our human terms know as smile.. you are still in a divine world where all you probably think of is your sensations of intake and outgo...
but it seems you are in a world of your own, your smile conveys that you probably are understanding some things but your blank looks say otherwise...
i don't know what kind of thoughts you go through but they are surely very special for me to imagine you are enjoying them
you have developed this interesting habit of crying unless someone lifts you to feed you.. and you have started distinguishing the male from the female.. for you seek food even when the bai who comes to wash you lifts you.. while when i lift you, you start crying..
how the mind works..
lets hope you get the time to read these thoughts of your dad when you are old enough to understand what we are going through today.. and what you are for us.
i shot some video's of you inyour different moods.. will upload them to youtube once I go back to work from Tuesday 29-09-09.. will miss you in those days of work but I hope there is a chance I can get back to meet you oftener... or work from here itself.
the video of you being bathed, after a massage might help you understand what as a baby you went through then, and how it turned helpful for you.
you have been crying a lot for the last 2 days when someone lifts you.
we thought it was some kind of a pain but maybe it is just that you are so hungry...
your mom is nowadays busy feeding you, cleaning you and resting in the room, for she is in a way under house arest.. or should I say room arest.. she is not supposed to enter the kitchen as suggested by amma, for the doctor has adviced 6 weeks since 21-09-09 of rest for her stitches to heal...
i spoke to pranjal today, and as per his belief, the babies born during Shraddh period before NavRatri are some ancestors in their new avataar.. now that pappa named you after my Paati, grandmothter, and that you keep one eye of yours closed, by design or habit, I am reminded that you are probably her..
I didn't get to know her well then.. lets see if these predictions really hold ground in any way... for Pappa named you after her..
that nomenclature is another controversy which no one wants to talk about.. though i need to put your name down in the birth registration form and i am still wondering what name do I put in there...
R. Tattva-Shashwati or R. Tattva Shambhavi for R. is stuck to you by tradition of the naming ceremony.
confused by my flow of thoughts??? they are just flowing and i write here.
lots of other thoughts to share for the period I am in Indore, before my days of work beckon me to Bombay where you will eventually be soon... though I want you to be here with grandparents and get to share their love and affection too...
let's hope things go all well and good for all..
so my baby, this is the 12th day of you on this planet.. and I am still to come to terms with how I can help you be a very stress-free individual... so help me god!
11th day is the day of purification
birth of a child is equivalent to the death of a person
the house needs to be purified after the birth on the 11th day
so we had punyavachanam and along with that pappa also 'enforced' or bulldozed, so to say, the namakaranam ceremony..
i was more curious to know about the process, how the naming is to be done based on star and date and rashee, but it turned into an immediate implementation.
Vaadyar mentioned that on 14th Sep 09, which was 5 days before NavRarti started, between 1000-1015 was Kanya Rashee, Punarvasu nakshtram, dashami, after the full moon. and that your name should start with the sounds ra ri rae ru..
we were listing some other names, to start with S to mix into the family set of names.. so I had listed out names like
Shambhavi -which amma had suggested -refering to some Shambhu Rani in her family
Sudarshana -which I suggested refering to your countenance, nice to look at (su darshan, also alluding to Lord Krishna's weapon, and thus to the Vaishnava sect connection of bujju's taste)
Katyayini - for 24th was the 6th day of Navratri belongs to Katyayini form of Durga
Shashwati -the name just popped into my head so thought can consider it, and also thought of the 'modern form' of longer indian names - Sasha - which might be useful later in passports, or when you interact with the world of today's and your times, long names might be a problem...
and there was the name Tattva/Tattvam that I long wanted to consider.. as I thought it out way back in June or so, some different name to the rigmarole of names we read..
but then all those names got wished away in a way when the letter of choice was R, and thus pappa had his thought of naming you after his mother, RamaLakshmi, which in a way is the tradition too... to name the child after someone elder in the family or some god's name.
the other things i needed to write about are:
your vaginal bleeding
your first 'food' on 24th as part of namakarana
your first set of cries
our sleepless nights since 17th when you got back home, our inabilities to understand your needs but figuring out intuitively about your cries meaning hunger, cleaning etc.
your first set of smiles.. came from some kind of dreams you have been dreaming.. or some sensations that makes you smile.. or what we in our human terms know as smile.. you are still in a divine world where all you probably think of is your sensations of intake and outgo...
but it seems you are in a world of your own, your smile conveys that you probably are understanding some things but your blank looks say otherwise...
i don't know what kind of thoughts you go through but they are surely very special for me to imagine you are enjoying them
you have developed this interesting habit of crying unless someone lifts you to feed you.. and you have started distinguishing the male from the female.. for you seek food even when the bai who comes to wash you lifts you.. while when i lift you, you start crying..
how the mind works..
lets hope you get the time to read these thoughts of your dad when you are old enough to understand what we are going through today.. and what you are for us.
i shot some video's of you inyour different moods.. will upload them to youtube once I go back to work from Tuesday 29-09-09.. will miss you in those days of work but I hope there is a chance I can get back to meet you oftener... or work from here itself.
the video of you being bathed, after a massage might help you understand what as a baby you went through then, and how it turned helpful for you.
you have been crying a lot for the last 2 days when someone lifts you.
we thought it was some kind of a pain but maybe it is just that you are so hungry...
your mom is nowadays busy feeding you, cleaning you and resting in the room, for she is in a way under house arest.. or should I say room arest.. she is not supposed to enter the kitchen as suggested by amma, for the doctor has adviced 6 weeks since 21-09-09 of rest for her stitches to heal...
i spoke to pranjal today, and as per his belief, the babies born during Shraddh period before NavRatri are some ancestors in their new avataar.. now that pappa named you after my Paati, grandmothter, and that you keep one eye of yours closed, by design or habit, I am reminded that you are probably her..
I didn't get to know her well then.. lets see if these predictions really hold ground in any way... for Pappa named you after her..
that nomenclature is another controversy which no one wants to talk about.. though i need to put your name down in the birth registration form and i am still wondering what name do I put in there...
R. Tattva-Shashwati or R. Tattva Shambhavi for R. is stuck to you by tradition of the naming ceremony.
confused by my flow of thoughts??? they are just flowing and i write here.
lots of other thoughts to share for the period I am in Indore, before my days of work beckon me to Bombay where you will eventually be soon... though I want you to be here with grandparents and get to share their love and affection too...
let's hope things go all well and good for all..
so my baby, this is the 12th day of you on this planet.. and I am still to come to terms with how I can help you be a very stress-free individual... so help me god!
Monday, September 21, 2009
7th day ends
bubbu is a week old.. today at 1010 am she completed one week out of the womb..
time flied off.. and it's hard to imagine how quickly too...
i have not had the chance to hold her close lest she catches my cold and any virus from me...
there have been other tensions esp. related to help from buju's family..
for some reason, amma and pappa have become very irritable and very very rude..
and they are not realizing that this is a tough image they are creating..
the way pappa talked to lakshmi pinni and uncle and how he talked to doddamma today.. it was downright ugly.
they are losing their sense of balance and it is a hard decision for me now to take.. to have to live with them or not.
bubbu was taken to Dr Aparna Manjrekar last night to check on her overall normalcy esp. related to the way she rolls up her eyes and smiles and twitches her lips.. in the smiling fashion..
but she has been so far told as being normal.
bubbu has this quiet way of taking in the world around her.. she is a quiet type as of now.
once she recongnizes the mother and close ones, she might turn different..
but she has been lifted a lot of times by me and I hope I have not accidentally hurt her in any way...
she has this quiet contemplative mode she goes into and I wonder.. what a baby mind brain must be thinking..
does she have a soul some thoughts .. some identity which she will eventually develop later...
is there some way I can know when that identity begins forming in her? or is it all the conditioning we as parents are giving her?
what... who... how... why....
so many things to do.
and work tension seems to be growing with Venkat's call tonight.
time flied off.. and it's hard to imagine how quickly too...
i have not had the chance to hold her close lest she catches my cold and any virus from me...
there have been other tensions esp. related to help from buju's family..
for some reason, amma and pappa have become very irritable and very very rude..
and they are not realizing that this is a tough image they are creating..
the way pappa talked to lakshmi pinni and uncle and how he talked to doddamma today.. it was downright ugly.
they are losing their sense of balance and it is a hard decision for me now to take.. to have to live with them or not.
bubbu was taken to Dr Aparna Manjrekar last night to check on her overall normalcy esp. related to the way she rolls up her eyes and smiles and twitches her lips.. in the smiling fashion..
but she has been so far told as being normal.
bubbu has this quiet way of taking in the world around her.. she is a quiet type as of now.
once she recongnizes the mother and close ones, she might turn different..
but she has been lifted a lot of times by me and I hope I have not accidentally hurt her in any way...
she has this quiet contemplative mode she goes into and I wonder.. what a baby mind brain must be thinking..
does she have a soul some thoughts .. some identity which she will eventually develop later...
is there some way I can know when that identity begins forming in her? or is it all the conditioning we as parents are giving her?
what... who... how... why....
so many things to do.
and work tension seems to be growing with Venkat's call tonight.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
my 6 days old baby
so many stimulations, so many sensory inputs and outputs both for the baby and the parents..
we are learning
i am learning how the baby develops this habit of sucking its thumb - simply because when it was hungry it was not fed properly.. so it takes to alternative means
this i learnt on the 2nd day of my baby being fed/semi-fed unfulfilled in its feeding because of its mother's nipples not being defined for it to suckle on them on the first day itself
the baby was fed on double toned milk on the first day though bujju was told that she has started lactating... but she was not able to learn how to feed the baby.. on the day 1
so over the last 5 days, today she seems to have mastered some art of feeding the baby directly on her milk on her nipples though she is lactating more than the baby needs...
chronicling the last 6 days is a tough one as the time passed quickly with lots of simultaneous stimulations..
looking at the baby itself, it's long fingers - like mine, it's elongated feet, like mine and it's nose like amma's though its lips and smile are like bujjus and her hair is like bujju's too...
so many things we are trying to grasp on to.. how the baby is listening, trying to focus and its brain trying to grasp as much as it can to survive... suckling for all its worth and falling asleep....
it's an interesting 6 days.. and i want to write more of it with pictures..
today 'Tattwa' had her first bath 'at home'
we are learning
i am learning how the baby develops this habit of sucking its thumb - simply because when it was hungry it was not fed properly.. so it takes to alternative means
this i learnt on the 2nd day of my baby being fed/semi-fed unfulfilled in its feeding because of its mother's nipples not being defined for it to suckle on them on the first day itself
the baby was fed on double toned milk on the first day though bujju was told that she has started lactating... but she was not able to learn how to feed the baby.. on the day 1
so over the last 5 days, today she seems to have mastered some art of feeding the baby directly on her milk on her nipples though she is lactating more than the baby needs...
chronicling the last 6 days is a tough one as the time passed quickly with lots of simultaneous stimulations..
looking at the baby itself, it's long fingers - like mine, it's elongated feet, like mine and it's nose like amma's though its lips and smile are like bujjus and her hair is like bujju's too...
so many things we are trying to grasp on to.. how the baby is listening, trying to focus and its brain trying to grasp as much as it can to survive... suckling for all its worth and falling asleep....
it's an interesting 6 days.. and i want to write more of it with pictures..
today 'Tattwa' had her first bath 'at home'
Friday, September 18, 2009
Amma Pappa anniversary
Amma Pappa's 40th Wedding Anniversary passed off with a set of arguments... with all sorts of arguments going around about bujju's family to visit us for helping out with her and the baby...
thoughts are numb and so are actions
the desire to get back to work and Bombay is not there but I have to... decide soon about the time back..
lets hope there is something more lucrative back home here.
bubbu is turning out to be a smart one.. so i think.. not sure how the mind works.. of those babies.
thoughts are numb and so are actions
the desire to get back to work and Bombay is not there but I have to... decide soon about the time back..
lets hope there is something more lucrative back home here.
bubbu is turning out to be a smart one.. so i think.. not sure how the mind works.. of those babies.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
4 days AFTER
WoW . I am a dad.. and I Am not finding words to describethe last 4 days - including today of my life when time just flew by and I - on thought back - was totally focused on some specific tasks...
bringing my baby into this world and our life..
on 14th bet. 1000 and 1010 hrs IST, Punarvasu star and Dashami day, 'tatvam.s.sundaram' - unofficial as of now - was brought into this world by bujju's doctor Archana Baser, and her team of doctors.. including her assistant Akanksha..
I have a lot to write but little time for many things to tend to...
tatvam entered our house at 1420 hrs. on 170909 and will be the light of the family.. in all the times to come...
but yes, we are parents and amma/pappa celebrate their 40th anniversary tomorrow.. so
more from that time.. and state of mind along with the state of mind over the last 4 days...
tatvam's other name if any will be decided and all that jazz...
bringing my baby into this world and our life..
on 14th bet. 1000 and 1010 hrs IST, Punarvasu star and Dashami day, 'tatvam.s.sundaram' - unofficial as of now - was brought into this world by bujju's doctor Archana Baser, and her team of doctors.. including her assistant Akanksha..
I have a lot to write but little time for many things to tend to...
tatvam entered our house at 1420 hrs. on 170909 and will be the light of the family.. in all the times to come...
but yes, we are parents and amma/pappa celebrate their 40th anniversary tomorrow.. so
more from that time.. and state of mind along with the state of mind over the last 4 days...
tatvam's other name if any will be decided and all that jazz...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
penultimate day
Raju and sisters landed at home - without prior intimation of their longer stay - meeting only at their last minute of Indore visit
pappa ended up showing them the whole house - a waste of time and unnecessary show of his level of thought.
unfortunate that pappa is turned out to be such a simpleton with a twisted mind
started off our journey to the hospital at 8pm landed at the hospital around 815 or so..
registration happened at around 827pm
the attendant doc sandeep vishwakarma entered some case history and put the time of operation as 1030am, while I had told baser the time of 10am, i guess they really don't care for the patient's time.. or they consider only those patients' time who are able to talk to them properly... we all seem to be totally lost to the ways of the world and am living in our own...
but that's the fact and i have to live with it...
bujju was given some initial preps and then at 945, they took her into the labor room for some tests for heartbeat monitoring.
before that they tested her for any kind of drug reaction and all..
i returned back with amma and pappa leaving lakshmi pinni there - at around 1120pm
tomorrow is the big day... lets hope for the best..
by 1045am.. we will be the real-dad-n-mom and we will have a totally new life to lead on
a journey that we began with a discovery on the 15th Jan '09 is culminating on 14th Sep '09
amma has been taking in a lot of pain and I am in no way able to find out how to keep amma and pappa going on together without the kind of tussles they are having.. even at this age...
please help god!!
pappa ended up showing them the whole house - a waste of time and unnecessary show of his level of thought.
unfortunate that pappa is turned out to be such a simpleton with a twisted mind
started off our journey to the hospital at 8pm landed at the hospital around 815 or so..
registration happened at around 827pm
the attendant doc sandeep vishwakarma entered some case history and put the time of operation as 1030am, while I had told baser the time of 10am, i guess they really don't care for the patient's time.. or they consider only those patients' time who are able to talk to them properly... we all seem to be totally lost to the ways of the world and am living in our own...
but that's the fact and i have to live with it...
bujju was given some initial preps and then at 945, they took her into the labor room for some tests for heartbeat monitoring.
before that they tested her for any kind of drug reaction and all..
i returned back with amma and pappa leaving lakshmi pinni there - at around 1120pm
tomorrow is the big day... lets hope for the best..
by 1045am.. we will be the real-dad-n-mom and we will have a totally new life to lead on
a journey that we began with a discovery on the 15th Jan '09 is culminating on 14th Sep '09
amma has been taking in a lot of pain and I am in no way able to find out how to keep amma and pappa going on together without the kind of tussles they are having.. even at this age...
please help god!!
Baby Day is here
14 September 2009 around 1000 IST, we should have you with us.. doctor has advised a C-section citing that you are not able to find your way out, and there is some likely obstruction that might be stopping you.. so she wants you out through operation...
may her thoughts be the right ones and may her procedure be the best... for all of us...
I bought a camera yesterday
travelled to Indore
and am ready to welcome you
i am hoping life moves ahead smoother and better now that you are here..
we all wait.. and amma and pappa all the more.. they have not been very traditional and hence they are not very aware of all the customs and traditions..
they are more than happy to have the baby in the house than do all these customs...
I am hoping to keep it simple, short and very convenient...
so help me god.. and may the baby be the best you have given so far!!!!
may her thoughts be the right ones and may her procedure be the best... for all of us...
I bought a camera yesterday
travelled to Indore
and am ready to welcome you
i am hoping life moves ahead smoother and better now that you are here..
we all wait.. and amma and pappa all the more.. they have not been very traditional and hence they are not very aware of all the customs and traditions..
they are more than happy to have the baby in the house than do all these customs...
I am hoping to keep it simple, short and very convenient...
so help me god.. and may the baby be the best you have given so far!!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
3 days Closer to D-Day
So here I am, in Indore, doing daily chores, running around the house work, but still have not got around to think and work on the new arrival...
i need to get things together in place and need to purchase things for the baby.. but still i am here and not anywhere else
yesterday went for consultation from Dr Julka. he suggested a change in diet, one chapati more than the restricted one, and PP blood test for 3 days to monitor the levels to be below 140.
hoping that it will be not a problem later... with insulin levels..
got the bank work done yesterday, hoping to tie up those ends soon..
today evening had Lifecell folks visiting to explain the plan and the options... and the purpose to get into it.. lets hope i can decide on this and go for it ...
need to look for reviews on it now..
YSR - CM of AP disappeared with his chopper over forests of AP... not sure if it has any impact on bubbu but who knows... what the butterfly effect can bring forth
It rained this evening.. while the lifecell folks were at home, around 6pm
good rain and even now, around 10pm it is raining... good for us all
bubbu's moving around.. i felt and i am getting ready for the baby...
but i am tense about work in the back of my head..
my head is worried about my busy schedules i will have later and i am trying to avoid it.
revisited some old photos of the early 60s - black and white - of amma and pappa
lakshmi pinni and uncle were here, last night uncle left and kiran will be here around the 9th..
listed down the nakshatra and tithis from 7th till the 14th Sep '09
still to figure out a good name... for the period of birth..
how to record the time of birth was suggested by Uncle and had an animated chat on that.. how to sync watches etc...
but is the actual time of birth that when the baby coming out into this world, or when the baby has first started moving its limbs.. which is the 34th week in this case??
i need to get things together in place and need to purchase things for the baby.. but still i am here and not anywhere else
yesterday went for consultation from Dr Julka. he suggested a change in diet, one chapati more than the restricted one, and PP blood test for 3 days to monitor the levels to be below 140.
hoping that it will be not a problem later... with insulin levels..
got the bank work done yesterday, hoping to tie up those ends soon..
today evening had Lifecell folks visiting to explain the plan and the options... and the purpose to get into it.. lets hope i can decide on this and go for it ...
need to look for reviews on it now..
YSR - CM of AP disappeared with his chopper over forests of AP... not sure if it has any impact on bubbu but who knows... what the butterfly effect can bring forth
It rained this evening.. while the lifecell folks were at home, around 6pm
good rain and even now, around 10pm it is raining... good for us all
bubbu's moving around.. i felt and i am getting ready for the baby...
but i am tense about work in the back of my head..
my head is worried about my busy schedules i will have later and i am trying to avoid it.
revisited some old photos of the early 60s - black and white - of amma and pappa
lakshmi pinni and uncle were here, last night uncle left and kiran will be here around the 9th..
listed down the nakshatra and tithis from 7th till the 14th Sep '09
still to figure out a good name... for the period of birth..
how to record the time of birth was suggested by Uncle and had an animated chat on that.. how to sync watches etc...
but is the actual time of birth that when the baby coming out into this world, or when the baby has first started moving its limbs.. which is the 34th week in this case??
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